IN WAKE OF JONES DISMISSAL, A NEW FOCUS FOR STARR 

WASHINGTON, April 1 (Associated Press)--In the wake of the dismissal of the Paula Jones 
sexual-harassment lawsuit, Independent Counsel Kenneth Starr is focusing his investigation 
on allegations that President Clinton and members of the White House staff regularly drink 
red wine with fish, according to sources close to the investigation. 

The latest allegations arise out of confidential results of tests performed by the FBI Crime 
lab on a dress seized during a search of the Watergate apartment of former White House intern
Monica S. Lewinsky, the sources added. 

After weeks of conflicting reports about the test results, the sources confirmed that they 
"definitely indicate" the presence of tannins "consistent with full-bodied domestic red wines
such as Merlot or Zinfandel." 

If confirmed, the results would contradict earlier White House reports that any red wine
consumed with fish by staffers was "a light Beaujolais Nouveau," a wine some legal experts 
had considered acceptable with steakier fish such as wasabi-crust charcoal-grilled yellow-fin 
tuna. 

"Of course these are only allegations," Sen. John Ashcroft, R-Mo., said in reaction to 
published reports about the course of Starr's investigation. "They are, however, extremely 
serious. I suggest that the President tell the American people the facts, and then step down 
and report to Allenwood Penitentiary until the matter can be fully resolved with the
inauguration of a Republican president." 

White House press secretary Mike McCurry refused comment on the investigation, and privately 
White House staffers dismissed the possibility that the new charges could lead to impeachment 
proceedings. Republican staffers on Capitol Hill, however, insisted that the charges have the 
potential to breathe new life into both the impeachment drive and the independent counsel's 
flagging investigation. 

"We're not talking about some cheesy savings & loan fraud here," one Congressional veteran 
noted. "These charges go to the heart of our foreign policy. Imagine what this will do to 
relations with Britain and France." University of Illinois Law Professor Ronald Rotunda, a 
consultant to Starr's office, said that the legal questions would focus on the appropriateness 
of the specific varietal grape. In addition, he noted that the report of tannins suggested that
"the President has been drinking wine before its time, a statutory offense in California."
Rotunda added that the probe is complicated by allegations of a cover-up. "What did the 
President drink and when did he drink it? And why has the White House resisted disclosure for 
so long?" 

Starr's office had no official comment on the reports today. But sources close to the 
prosecutor confirmed that he had subpoenaed White House wine steward Jacques Clouzeau, 
ordering him to produce records of wines consumed and corresponding menus. 

Today's WASHINGTON POST reported that the White House has told the prosecutor's office that 
some of the menus cannot be found. The missing records apparently relate to wine consumed by 
the First Lady Hillary Clinton. 

A LITTLE-KNOWN CHRISTMAS FACT:


One particular Christmas season a long time ago, Santa was 

getting ready for his annual trip ... but there were problems

everywhere.

	      

Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not

produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to

feel the pressure of being behind schedule. 

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mom was coming to visit.

	     

This stressed Santa even more. When he went to harness the

reindeer,  he found that three of them were about to give

birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where.

More stress.

	 

Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked and

the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys. 

So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot  of whiskey. When he

went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hid the liquor

and there was nothing to drink. 

In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the coffee pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all

over the kitchen floor.

	      

He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the

straw it was made from. Just then the doorbell rang and Santa cussed

on his way to the door. He opened the door and there was a little

angel with a great big Christmas tree.

	      

The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas Santa.

Isn't it just a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Isn't

it just a  lovely tree?

	 

Where would you like me to stick it?"

	      

Thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the

Christmas tree.


Sent by Neicey

Government as Usual:

The White House freed $250 million to promote a new sex
education program. "It teaches marital fidelity," says Argus
Hamilton. "It sure gets expensive when Bill Clinton and
Dick Morris start theorizing."