There were three guys in a bar. Two are talking about the amount of
   control they have over their wives. The third remains silent. After a
   while, one of the first two turned to the third and sez "Well...  what
   about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife ?"
   
   "Well, on our honeymoon, I made damn sure my wife came to me on her
   hands and knees." he bragged and took another sip of beer.
   
   His friends were amazed ! "What happened then ?" they asked, almost in
   unison.
   
   "Well, then she said, 'Get the hell out from under that bed and fight
   like a man !' " he admitted.

What has two legs, spots, and bleeds? 

Half a cheetah.

   One day, during a lesson on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a
   show of hands for who could use the word "beautiful" in the same
   sentence twice.
   
   First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father
   bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it."
   
   "Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on little
   Michael.
   
   "My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully,"
   he said.
   
   "Excellent, Michael!" Then, the teacher called on little Johnny.
   
   "Last night, at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she
   was pregnant, and he said, 'Beautiful, fuckin' beautiful!'"
   

A little girl asked her father, "Daddy? Do all Fairy Tales begin with Once
Upon A Time?"
And he replied, "No, there is a whole series of Fairy Tales that begin 
with 'If Elected I promise...'"

Good News, Bad News, Worse News III

  Good: 
        Your husband understands fashion
   Bad: 
        He's a crossdresser
 Worse: 
        He looks better than you