A somewhat drunk man feels a bald man's head and says, "Say, your head 
feels just like my wife's ass."

The bald man feels his own head and says with a grin, "You know, you're 
right!"

Mrs. Jones is having her house painted, and her husband comes
home from work and leans against the freshly painted wall. 
The next day, she says to the painter, "You wanna see where
my husband put his hand last night?" 
He sighs and says, "Look, lady, I got a tough day's work ahead
of me. Why don't you just make us a cup of tea?"

"Will the father be present during the birth?"
asked the obstetrician.
"Nah," replied the mother-to-be,
"He and my husband don't get along."

Why can't Miss Piggy count to 70? 

     - Because she gets a frog stuck in her throat at 69. 

What's the first problem the MJ's child will have in life?

                 Figuring out which parent is his mother.