Is this really your third marriage? 

     Sure is. 

What happened to your first two wives? 

     They died.

How did your first wife die? 

     She ate some poisonous mushrooms.

What about your second wife? 

     She died from a severe skull fracture.

How did she get a skull fracture? 

     She wouldn't eat the mushrooms.

Should you have any questions during the exam,
just raise your hand. This should cause enough
blood to flow to your brain to answer it yourself. 

    The crusty old managing partner finally passed away, but
   his law firm kept receiving calls asking to speak with him. "I'm
   sorry, he's dead," was the standard answer. Finally, the receptionist
   who fielded the calls began to realize it was always the same voice,
   so she asked who it was and why he kept calling. The reply: "I used to
   be one of his junior associates, and I just like to hear you say it."

What's the difference between a drunk and an alcoholic?

A drunk doesn't have to go to those stupid meetings. 

What did one gay sperm say to the other? 

I can't find my way through all this shit.