A guy goes to buy a train ticket, and the girl selling tickets has an
   incredible set of jugs.
   
   He says, "Give me two pickets to Titsburgh...umm...I mean, two tickets
   to Pittsburgh."
   
   He's really embarrassed...
   
   The guy in line behind him says, "Relax, pal. We all make Freudian
   slips like that. Just the other day at the breakfast table I meant to
   say to my wife, 'Please pass the sugar', but I accidentally said, 'You
   fucking bitch, you wrecked my life.'"
   

What do West Virginians call a pretty woman?


                    A tourist.

   In little Johnny's class at school, there's this kid with no arms or
   legs called Philip. One day after school, Johnny goes round his house
   and knocks on the door.
   
   Philip's mother answers the door, and says, "Yes Johnny, what can I do
   for you?"
   
   "Can Philip come out? - we're all skipping in the park"
   
   Philip's mum says, "But Johnny, you know he's got no arms or legs."
   
   "Yeah, I know," says little Johnny, "I just want to see his stumps
   bleed."
   

A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse
   falls into a mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the chicken to go
   and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety. The chicken runs to
   the farm but the farmer can't be found. So he drives the farmer's
   Mercedes back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper. He
   then throws the other end of the rope to his friend, the horse, and
   drives the car forward saving him from sinking!
   A few days later, the chicken and horse were playing in the meadow
   again and the chicken fell into the mud hole. The chicken yelled to
   the horse to go and get some help from the farmer. The horse said, "I
   think I can stand over the hole!" So he stretched over the width of
   the hole and said, "Grab for my 'thingy' and pull yourself up." And
   the chicken did and pulled himself to safety.
   The moral of the story:
   If you are hung like a horse, you don't need a Mercedes to pick up
   chicks.

Little Joey and Little Danny, both aged 5, are walking home from
school. 

 Danny says "I won't be going to school tomorrow." 

"Why not?" asks Joey. 

"I have to go to the hospital," says Danny woefully. 

"That's awful," says Joey. "Why do you have to go there? Are you
sick?" 

Danny shakes his head and replies, "I have to have a circumcision." 

Joey stops dead in his tracks, an expression of complete horror across
his face, "That's Horrible!" he cries, "Why, I had that done when I was
born, and I couldn't walk for MONTHS!!"