I received a letter from my bank the other day, telling me,
"This is the last time we're going to spend a quarter to
tell you that you have fifteen cents!"

The common symptoms of swine flu are: High fever, upset stomach, 
occasional cramps and an irresistible urge to fuck in the mud...

Q: How much does it cost to get married, Dad?
A: I don't know son, I'm still paying for it.

A woman reported the disappearance of her husband to the police. The 
officer looked at the guy's photograph, questioned her, and then asked if 
she wanted to give her husband any message if they found him.
"Yes, please" she replied. "Tell him Mother didn't come after all."

A circus owner walked into a bar to see everyone crowded about a table 
watching a little show. On the table was an upside down pot and a duck tap 
dancing on it. The circus owner was so impressed that he offered to buy 
the duck from its owner. After some wheelin' and dealin' they settled for 
$10000 for the duck and the pot. Three days later the circus owner runs 
back to the bar in anger, "Your duck is a ripoff! I put him on the pot 
before a whole audience and he didn't dance a single step!" "So?" asked 
the ducks former owner, "did you remember to light the candle under the 
pot?"