How can you tell when your girlfriend's horny? 

    You stick your hands in her panties and it feels like you feeding a horse. 

Q: What is worse than a dead dog on your piano?
A: An infected pussy on your organ.

It was the first day of school and a new student named Martinez, the 
son of a Mexican restaurateur, entered the fourth grade. 
The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history. 
Who said "Give me Liberty, or give me Death?" She saw a sea of blank
faces, except for Martinez, who had his hand up. "Patrick Henry, 1775." 
"Very good! Who said 'Government of the people, by the people, for the
people, shall not perish from the earth'"? 
Again, no response except from Martinez: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863.", said
Martinez. 
The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed.
Martinez, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than
you do." 
She heard a loud whisper: "Screw the Mexicans."
"Who said that?" she demanded. 
Martinez put his hand up. "Jim Bowie, 1836." 
At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke." 
The teacher glares and asks "All right! Now, who said that?" 
Again, Martinez says, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991." 
Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? Suck this!" 
Martinez jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the
teacher, "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!" 
Now with almost a mob hysteria someone said, "You little shit. If you
say anything else, I'll kill you." 
Martinez frantically yells at the top of his voice, "Gary Condit to
Chandra Levy 2001." 
The teacher fainted. And as the class gathered around the teacher on 
the floor, someone said, "Oh shit, we're in BIG trouble!" 
Martinez said, "Saddam Hussein 2003."

Little Johnny was in a spelling bee in class. He had to spell the word and 
use it in a sentence. The teacher asked him to please spell the word EAR. 
Little Johnny stood up and proudly said EAR E,A,R. Then to use it in a 
sentence he pretended to take a big hit off a joint and then while 
pretending to have his lungs full of smoke he predended to pass the joint 
to little Suzy and said "Ear" 

An old lady is rocking away the last of her days on her front
porch, reflecting on her long life, when--all of a sudden--a fairy
godmother appears in front of her and informs her that she will be
granted three wishes.

"Well, now," says the old lady, "I guess I would like to be really
rich."

** POOF *** her rocking chair turns to solid gold.

"And, gee, I guess I wouldn't mind being a young, beautiful
princess."

*** POOF *** she turns into a beautiful young woman.

"Your third wish?" asked the fairy godmother.

Just then the old woman's cat wanders across the porch in front of
them.

"Ooh--can you change him into a handsome prince?" she asks.

*** POOF *** there before her stands a young man more handsome than
anyone could possibly imagine.

She stares at him, smitten.  With a smile that makes her knees weak,
he saunters across the porch in his catlike way and whispers in her
ear, "Bet you're sorry you had me neutered, aren't you?"