A rabbi said to a precocious six-year-old boy: "So your mother says
your prayers for you each night? Very commendable. What does she
say?"
The little boy replied, "Thank God he's in bed!"

On the night of a Halloween costume party a couple were having
trouble picking suitable outfits. After a while the wife got mad
and stormed out of the room. Fifteen minutes later she came back
completely naked execpt for a lemon between her legs. 

The husband looked at her for a moment and then stormed out of
the room himself. Twenty minutes passed and then he came back
himself with a potato around his dick.

The wife gave him a wierd look and then the husband replied
"If your going as a sour-puss, I going as a dictator". 

Larry's barn burned down, and Susan, his wife, called the insurance
company ...

Susan: We had that barn insured for fifty thousand and I want my money.
Agent: Whoa there just a minute, Susan; it doesn't work quite like that. 
We will ascertain the value of the old barn and provide you with a new one 
of comparable worth.
Susan, after a pause: I'd like to cancel the policy on my husband.

Chinese Subtitles



From a list of English subtitles used in films made in Hong Kong, Compiled
by Stefan Hammond and Mike Wilkins for their book *Sex & Zen & a Bullet in
the Head*, to be published in August by Fireside. Cited in Harper's, June
1996.

I am damn unsatisfied to be killed in this way.

Fatty, you with your thick face have hurt my instep.

Gun wounds again?

Same old rules: no eyes, no groin.

A normal person wouldn't steal pituitaries.

Damn, I'll burn you into a BBQ chicken!

Take my advice, or I'll spank you without pants.

Who gave you the nerve to get killed here?

Quiet or I'll blow your throat up.

You always use violence.  I should've ordered glutinous rice chicken.

I'll fire aimlessly if you don't come out!

You daring lousy guy.

Beat him out of recognizable shape!

I have been scared shitless too much lately.

I got knife scars more than the number of your leg's hair!

Beware! Your bones are going to be disconnected.

How can you use my intestines as a gift?

The bullets inside are very hot. Why do I feel so cold?

We've been married a little over four years, and we just celebrated our "Wooden Anniversary."
Yeah, I asked my wife to blow me, and she wouldn't.