Bloke is drinking at a pub and after a few rounds goes to leave, 
explaining to the barman he has to go home to do a shit. "Don't 
be stupid," says the barman, "We've got a perfectly good toilet 
here!" 

"Yes," explains the drinker, "but I take salts."

"So what??!! That doesn't matter - you can still use the toilet 
here!"

The drinker reluctantly agrees and heads for the toilet. After a 
few moments there is loud banging and the bloke emerges, 
followed by a foul smell. The barman races into the toilet where 
he sees crap all over the ceiling and walls. He races back into 

the bar. 

"What the hell went on in there?!" he demands.

"I told you," explained the drinker.

"No, you said that you take salts!" yelled the barman.

"That's right," the drinker shrugs, "somersaults."

One day Pablo and Paco are riding through the desert on their horses. As 
they ride along, Pablo smells something horrible. He stops his horse and 
turns around. He says "Hey Paco, you shit your pants?" Paco says "No, Pablo,
I did not shit my pants." He believes him and they keep riding. As they go 
on, the smell gets worse. The smell is so bad, flys begin to swarm. Pablo 
stops his horse and turns around. He then says "Paco, Are you sure you did 
not shit your pants?"  Pablo says "Yes Pablo, I am sure I did not shit my 
pants." He says "Ok." They keep going and now the smell is getting to be 
unbearable. Pablo is swatting the flys away. Pablo stops his horse and gets
 of his horse. He then says "Paco, get of your horse. Paco, pull down your 
pants. Paco, I thought you said you did not shit your pants?" Paco replies 
"I thought you meant today!"

One day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at the local 
church. "Reverend," she said, "I have a problem--my husband keeps 
falling asleep during your sermons. It's very embarrassing. What should 
I do?" 
   "I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this hatpin with you. I 
will be able to tell when Mr. Jones is sleeping, and I will motion to 
you at specific times. When I motion, you give him a good poke in the 
leg." 
   In church the following Sunday, Jones dozed off. Noticing this, the 
preacher put his plan to work. "And who lay made the ultimate sacrifice 
for you?" he said, nodding to Mrs. Jones.
 "Jesus!" Jones cried as his wife jabbed him the leg with the hatpin. 
 "Yes, you are right, Mr. Jones," said the minister. 
 Soon, Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed.
"Who is your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning towards 
Mrs. Jones. 
 "God!" Jones cried out as he was stuck again with the hatpin. 
 "Right again," said the minister, smiling. 
  Before long, Jones again winked off. However, this time the minister 
did not notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few 
motions that Mrs. Jones mistook as signals to bayonet her husband with 
the hatpin again. 
The minister asked, "And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore him 
his last son?" 
Mrs. Jones poked her husband, who yelled, "You stick that goddamned 
thing in me one more time and I'll break it off and shove it up your ass!"

A young girl goes to the gynecologist and he examines her.
He says,"You have acute vaginitis."
She says "Thank you."

How is being at the singles bar different from being at the circus?

At the circus the clowns don't talk...