"What's another word for thesaurus?" 

Steven Wright. 

Don DeLillo describing "Cocksucker Blues", the documentary about 
the Rolling Stones' 1972 tour:

"It's the same show, the same city, the same motherfucking band
of emaciated millionaire pricks and their Negro bodyguards."

"I think my favourite word at the moment is 'sphincter'. People have been
 using it a lot lately and it's starting to grow on me."
                        -- Karen Peisley

I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must
   be why my wife treats me like toxic waste. - David Bissonette

We should be careful to get out of an experience only the wisdom that
   is in it - and stop there; lest we be like the cat that sits down on a
   hot stove-lid. She will never sit down on a hot stove-lid again, and
   that is well; but also she will never sit down on a cold one anymore.
   -- Mark Twain