A Scottish lad and lass were sitting together on a heathery hill
in the Highlands. They had been silent for a while; then the lass
said, "A penny for your thoughts." The lad was a bit abashed, but
he finally said, "Well, I was thinkin' how nice it would be if
ye'd give me a wee bit of a kiss." So she did so. But he again
lapsed into a pensive mood which lasted long enough for the lass
to ask him, "What arre ye thinkin' now?" To which the lad replied: 

"Well, I was hopin' ye hadn't forgot the penny!" 

Ok, I'm going to get a lot of hate mail for this one...

What's the definition of the perfect woman?

She's three feet tall, has a round hole for a mouth, and her head is flat 
so you can put a can on it. The sports model has pull back ears and her 
teeth fold in. The economy model fucks all night and at midnight turns 
into a roast beef sandwich and a six pack.

Why does a blonde girl always have a bruise around her belly button???


Cause blonde boys aren't that smart either.

My mother-in-law is like a fine French Impressionist painting.

She's very lovely, but is best appreciated at a distance.

A new American ambassador was being entertained by an African diplomat.
They'd spent the day discussing what the country had received from the
Russians before the new government kicked them out. "The Russians built
us a power plant, a highway, and an airport. Plus, we learned to drink
vodka and play Russian roulette."

The American frowned. "Russian roulette's not a very nice game." The
diplomat smiled. "That's why we developed African roulette. If you
want to have good relations with our country, you'll have to play.
"I'll show you how."

He pushed a buzzer, and a moment later, six magnificently built, nude
women were ushered in. "You can choose any one of those women to give
you oral sex," he told the American.

"That's great," the ambassador said, "but it doesn't seem much like
Russian roulette."

"Oh, it is. One of them is a cannibal."