A group of Americans was touring Ireland. One of the women in 
the group was a real curmudgeon, constantly complaining. The 
bus seats are uncomfortable.The food is terrible. It's too hot. It's 
too cold. The accommodations are awful.

The group arrived at the site of the famous Blarney Stone. 
"Good luck will be followin' ya all your days if you kiss the 
Blarney Stone,"the guide said. "Unfortunately, it's being 
cleaned today and so no one willbe able to kiss it. Perhaps we 
can come back tomorrow."

"We can't be here tomorrow," the nasty woman shouted. "We 
have some other boring tour to go on. So I guess we can't kiss 
the stupid stone."

"Well now," the guide said, "it is said that if you kiss someone 
who has kissed the stone, you'll have the same good fortune."

"And I suppose you've kissed the stone," the woman scoffed.

"No, ma'am," the frustrated guide said, "but I've sat on it."

How is a woman like an airplane? 

    -Both have cockpits. 

A man complaining to a friend: "I had it all - money, a beautiful house,a 
big car, the love of a beautiful woman ...then ... pow! ... it was all 
gone!"
"What happened?" asked the friend.
"Ahhhh ... my wife found out ..." 

Mike Mooney, a Yankee was driving through the south when he decided he 
wanted to buy a pig. He stopped at a pig farm and told the farmer he 
wanted to buy a 100 pound pig. The farmer nodded, walked out into the sty, 
bent over and picked up a pig by its tail with his teeth. The farmer said, 
"This one will go a little over a 100". Astonished the Yankee said, "Who 
are you trying to fool? You can't weigh a pig that way". The farmer 
laughed and called to his young son, "Boy, come over here and weigh that 
pig for this man". The boy obliged by bending over and picking up the pig 
by its tail with his teeth. Turning to his father the boy said, " This 
here pig weighs about 100 pounds". The Yankee was having no part of this 
so in order to convince him the farmer told his son to go to the house and 
get his mother so she could weigh the pig. After a short delay the son 
returned and said, "Ma says she will be right down after she's finished 
weighing the mailman". 

George W. Bush was passing through an airplane terminal
and he noticed an old man in a long white robe, with a
long white beard, long white hair and carrying two stone
tablets in his arms. He approached the man and asked,
"Aren't you Moses?" But the man wouldn't listen to him
and continued walking. George asked him again, "Aren't
you Moses?" The old man continued ignoring him, even
turning his back on little Bush. George grabs the man's
arm, looks him right in the eye and insists, "Answer me
-- Aren't you Moses?" The man replies, "I'm not saying
shit! The last time I spoke to a Bush I ended up roaming
the desert for 40 years!"