A guy rings work and says "I can`t come in to work today as I`m sick"
The voice at the other end asks "How sick are you ??"
The guy says "Well I`m in bed with my 12 year old son !!"

What's the difference between a whale and a dyke? 

     Oh, about ten pounds, and a plaid shirt. 

They had a 'witchy' old lady next door that was constantly complaining
about everything and everyone in the neighborhood.  After one really good
round about kids and pets messing up her spotless front yard, my buddies
planned what turned out to be a better joke than they originally thought.
Juvenile as we all were, they planned to write some dirty words in her
meticulously-groomed front lawn with some kind of powder that would stand
out.  The only thing they could find was some Ortho Super-Gro Lawn Food
(white powdery stuff).  They wrote the message in the dead of night, and
next morning it was bold and white for the world to see.
The 'kicker' came after.  She came out, saw the graffiti, and immediately
grabbed a hose and WATERED IT OFF!

To this day, those sections of grass are just a little bit greener than
everything around them, and the words can STILL be read!



This reminds me of a story that a former roommate related to me.  In college
he and a group of friends got revenge on complete strangers.  ....Well, let
me set up the situation.

Y'know how sometimes you gotta park real far away from your destination
because certain types of people like to take up two parking spaces...?
Well, he and his friends got a little ticked about this, especially during
weekends at the school.  One day, they decided to get even with every
\verb+"#@@#\$#@$&&"+ that took up "their" space.  They turned the car sideways.
As he said, "He wanted that space so bad, now he can have it for a loooong
time!"

   Great A Hot & Juicy Story

   Well, I was loafin' around the salad bar at the burger stand one chili
   day on Coney Island, when I Frito-Lay'd my eyes on the sweetest little
   tomato I'd ever seen. Let's just say I could tell she wasn't gonna be
   ice-cold or taste like some of those cheaper spreads I'd eaten.
   So I mustard up my courage and I whispered, "Hey, Mama Bird! You got a
   sweet set of sesame-seed buns, and I'd live to bury my open-face in
   your McMuffin snack pack. And maybe later I could drive-in my Jumbo
   Jack in your Box. So, what's your name, anyway?"
   "Wendy," she replied, and said that her buns were always hot and
   fresh. Well, it seemed like an invitation to me, so I unzipped my
   French-fly, pulled down my hash-browns and whipped out my
   Quarter-Pounder.
   She took one look at my foot-long Weinerschnitzel and said, "Holy
   enchirito, what a Whopper! I haven't seen a sausage and a pair of
   McNuggets like that since I was in the sack with Long John Silver over
   at the Colonel's place, and I probably won't see another 'til Foster
   freezes over. And believe me, I relish the thought of squeezin' the
   mayonnaise right outta that big Sloppy Joe of yours."
   I said, "Look, honey...those meatheads are just horseradish. I'm the
   supreme Burger King around here. And by the way, aren't you hungry?"
   "Yeah," she shot back, "I haven't even had my breakfast, Jack." It
   wasn't long before she was munching on my Big Mac and eventually took
   down the whole enchilada. I could tell I wouldn't be able to hold the
   pickles or hold the lettuce much longer, so I just blew a whole gallon
   of my lo-cal secret sauce to go. She took a big gulp and giggled,
   "Oooh, that's fast food. A bit salty, but quality you can taste...and
   finger lickin' good, too!"
   She said, "So what's yer name, hot dog? Orange you Julius?"
   "No," I replied, but you can call me Pizza Man, 'cause I deliver!"
   Well anyway, I turned her around, tore off her wrapper, and wedged my
   Big Boy between her patties and right up into her hot cherry bendover.
   She screamed, "I FOUND THE BEEF, I FOUND THE BEEF!" which just gave me
   the urge to keep pounding my SuperBurrito in and out...in and
   out...and in and out...and in and out of her hot little micro.
   Well, we were still playing Pup 'n' Taco , when she confessed her real
   name wasn't Wendy...but Ronald.
   Hey, it wasn't my bag, but at least I wouldn't have to worry about
   taking her over to see Dr. Pepper to have him pull a Carl's Jr. out of
   her oven.
   Yeah, little did I know that I had spend the night not with a saucy
   little fish filet, but with a flaming Dairy Queen!

A guy walks into a bar and sits down next to an extremely gorgeous woman. 
The first thing he notices about her though, are her pants. They were 
skin-tight, high-waisted and had no obvious mechanism (zipper, buttons or 
velcro) for opening them. 
After several minutes of puzzling over how she got the pants up over her 
hips, he finally worked up the nerve to ask her.
"Excuse me miss, but how do you get into your pants?" 
"Well," she replied, "you can start by buying me a drink."