A little turtle begins to climb a tree slowly. After long hours of effort, 
he reaches the top, jumps into the air waving his front legs, until 
reaches heavily into the ground with a hard knock over his shell.
After recovering his consciousness, he starts to climb the tree again, 
jumps again, and knocks the ground heavily again.
The little turtle insisted again and again after each knock, while a 
couple of birds sitting at the edge of a branch, looking the turtle with 
pain..suddenly the female bird says to the male: "Hey dear, I think it's 
time to tell our little turtle he is adopted." 

Q: Does pregnancy cause hemorrhoids?

A: Pregnancy causes anything you want to blame it for.

What's the difference betwee Elton John and Princess Diana?

One's composing, the other is decomposing.

What do you get when you cross a Jehova's Witness
with a Hell's Angels motorcycle gang member????

Someone who comes to your door and tells *you* to fuck off! 

A driver, obviously drunk, was heading the wrong way down
a one-way street when a policeman pulled him over. "Didn't
you see the arrow, buddy?" he asked.
"An arrow?" the confused driver said. "I didn't even see the
Indians