A man was driving through West Virginia looking for a place to move to.
He saw 2 men sitting on a porch and said, "I'm moving here from the
city, what do you guys do around here?"
The men answered, "Go hunt'n, kill things, 'n screw".
He then asked, "What do you hunt and kill?"
The men replied, "Sumt'n ta screw."

   A young woman visited her doctor complaining of a bed wetting problem.
   The doctor asked her the usual questions and then asked her to go
   behind the screen and remove her clothes. She was a bit shocked but
   went ahead anyway.
   
   When she was undressed he asked her to stand on her hands in front of
   and facing a full length mirror. The young woman was even more shocked
   but if it would help solve her problem she thought she had better do
   what the doctor said.
   
   As soon as she was in position the doctor asked her to open her legs
   and when she did he put his head between them and rested his chin
   right on her private parts. After a few moments and some very positive
   'yes, yes' type noises the doctor instructed her to get dressed again.
   
   Afterwards, the doctor sat her down and informed her that the main
   cause of her problem was just that she was drinking far too much
   liquid before going to bed.
   
   "So what did the exercise in front of the mirror tell you?"
   
   "Well," said the doctor, "my wife is right, a beard would suit me."
   

Q:  Whats the difference between Monica and a Soda machine?

A:  They both have, "incert Bill"!

A man came storming out of the courthouse ranting and raving; obviously 
really angry . He stomped accross the street and into the bar and flounced 
down on a stool muttering, "Asshole attorneys". 
The man next to him recoiled in outrage saying "I want you to know I 
highly resent that remark".
"Why, are you an attorney?"
"No, I'm an asshole."

    There was an old married couple that had happily lived
   together for nearly forty years. The only friction in their marriage
   was caused by the husband's habit of breaking wind nearly every
   morning as he awoke. The noise would always wake up his wife and the
   smell would cause her eyes to water as she would choke and gasp for
   air. Nearly every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping one
   in the morning. He told her that the couldn't help it. She begged him
   to see a doctor to see if anything could be done but the husband
   wouldn't hear of it. He told her that it was just a natural bodily
   function and then he would laugh in her face as she tried to wave the
   fumes away with her hands. She told him that there was nothing natural
   about it and if he didn't stop, he was one day going to "fart his guts
   out".
   The years went by and the wife continued to suffer and the husband
   continued to ignore her warnings about "farting his guts out" until
   one Christmas morning. Before dawn, the wife went downstairs to
   prepare the family feast. She fixed Christmas pudding, mashed
   potatoes, gravy and, of course, a turkey. While she was taking out the
   turkey's innards, a thought occurred to the wife as to how she might
   solve her husband's problem. With a devilish grin on her face, she
   placed the turkey guts into a bowl and quietly walked upstairs hours
   before her flatulent husband would awake. While he was still soundly
   asleep, she pulled back the covers and then gently pulled back her
   husband's jockey shorts. She then placed all of the turkey guts into
   her husband's underwear, pulled them up, replaced the covers and
   tiptoed back downstairs to finish preparing the family meal. Several
   hours later she heard her husband awake with his normal loud ass
   trumpeting. This was soon followed by a blood curdling scream and the
   sound of frantic footsteps as her husband ran to the upstairs
   bathroom. The wife could not control herself and her eyes began to
   tear up as she rolled on the floor laughing. After years of putting up
   with him she had finally gotten even. About twenty minutes later, her
   husband came downstairs in his blood stained underpants with a look of
   horror in his eyes. She bit her lip to keep from laughing and she
   asked him what was the matter. He said, "honey, you were right - all
   those years you warned me and I didn't listen to you".
   "What do you mean?" asked his wife.
   "Well you always told me that I would end up farting my guts out one
   of these days and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God
   and these two fingers, I think I got 'em all back in."