Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed that the
new program began making unexpected changes to the accounting modules,
limiting access to flower and jewelry applications that had operated
flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many
other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.9 but installed undesirable
programs such as NFL 5.0 and NBA 3.0. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and
HouseCleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3
to fix these problems, but to no avail.

--Desperate
***************************************

Dear Desperate,

Keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an entertainment package, while Husband 1.0
is an operating system. Try to enter the command: "C:/ I THOUGHT YOU LOVED
ME" and install Tears 6.2. Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the
applications: Guilty 3.0 and Flowers 7.0. But remember, overuse can cause
Husband 1.0 to default to GrumpySilence 2.5, HappyHour 7.0 or Beer 6.1.
Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will create "Snoring Loudly" wave
files.
DO NOT install MotherInLaw 1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend program.
These are not supported applications and will crash Husband 1.0. In
summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory
and cannot learn new applications quickly. Consider buying additional
software to improve performance. I personally recommend HotFood 3.0 and
Lingerie 5.3.

--Tech Support

   The Pilots One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a
   commercial airliner are seated, waiting for the cockpit crew to show
   up so they can get under way. The pilot and co pilot finally appear in
   the rear of the plane, and begin walking up to the cockpit through the
   center aisle. Both appear to be blind. The pilot is using a white
   cane, bumping into passengers right and left as he stumbles down the
   aisle, and the co pilot is using a guide dog. Both have their eyes
   covered with huge sunglasses.
   At first the passengers do not react; thinking that it must be some
   sort of practical joke. However, after a few minutes the engines start
   spooling up and the airplane starts moving down the runway. The
   passengers look at each other with some uneasiness, whispering among
   themselves and looking desperately to the stewardesses for
   reassurance.
   Then the airplane starts accelerating rapidly and people begin
   panicking. Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer
   and closer to the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and
   more hysterical.
   Finally, when the airplane has less than 20 feet of runway left, there
   is a sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at
   once, and at the very last moment the airplane lifts off and is
   airborne.
   Up in the cockpit, the co pilot breathes a sigh of relief and turns to
   the Captain: "You know, one of these days the passengers aren't going
   to scream, and we're gonna get killed!"

There was a blonde and a brunette in a car. The brunette hears a siren 
behind them, so she asks the blonde if its lights are on. The blonde turns 
around and says "yes, no, yes, no....." 

Q: How many managers does it take to change a light bulb?

A: We've formed a task force to study the problem of why light bulbs burn
out, and figure out what, exactly, we as supervisors can do to make the
bulbs work smarter, not harder.

What's the difference between a drunk and an alcoholic?

A drunk doesn't have to go to those stupid meetings.