A veterinarian surgeon had had a hell of a day, but when he got 
home from tending to all the sick animals his wife was waiting 
with a long cool drink and a romantic candle-lit dinner, after 
which they had a few more drinks and went happily to bed.

At about 2:00 in the morning, the phone rang.  "Is this the 
vet?" asked an elderly lady's voice.

"Yes, it is", replied the vet, "Is this an emergency?"

"Well, sort of", said the elderly lady, "there's a whole bunch of 
cats on the roof outside making a terrible noise mating and I 
can't get to sleep. What can I do about it?"  

There was a sharp intake of breath from the vet, who then 
patiently replied "Open the window and tell them they're wanted 
on the phone"

"Really?" said the elderly lady, "Will that will that stop them?"

"Should do," said the vet, "- IT STOPPED ME!"

Judy arrived home from her date, tossed her coat over a chair, her handbag 
over the banister, she threw her clothes around the bedroom without care. 
The next morning at breakfast, her mother asked her if she had a good 
time?
"Oh", sighed Judy, "I had a wonderful time."
"I thought as much", her mother remarked, "Your underpants are still stuck 
to the ceiling!"

A life-long city man, tired of the rat race, decided he was going to
give up the city life, move to the country, and become a chicken
farmer. He found a nice, used chicken farm, which he bought. Turns
out that his next door neighbor was also a chicken farmer. The
neighbor came for a visit one day and said, "Chicken farming isn't
easy. Tell you what. To help you get started, I'll give you 100
chickens."
The new chicken farmer was thrilled. Two weeks later the new
neighbor stopped by to see how things were going. The new farmer
said, "Not too good. All 100 chickens died." The neighbor said, "Oh,
I can't believe that. I've never had any trouble with my chickens.
I'll give you 100 more."
Another two weeks went by, and the neighbor stops in again. The new
farmer says, "You're not going to believe this, but the second 100
chickens died too." Astounded, the neighbor asked, "what went wrong?
What did you do to them?"
Well, says the new farmer, "I'm not sure whether I'm planting them too
deep or not far apart enough."

Herman the hypochondriac began sobbing before a doctor.
"I'm sure I've got a liver disease, and I'm gonna die from it."
"Ridiculous," said the doctor. "you'd never know if you had the
disease or not. With that ailment there's no discomfort of any
kind."
"Right," said Herman, "those are my exact symptoms." 

What's green and smells like pig?

     - Kermit's fingers.