THREE GAY GUYS WERE ALL IN A CAR CRASH AND DIED. ALL THREE GUYS WERE CREMATED.

THERE BOYFRIENDS WERE TALKING ABOUT WHAT THEY WERE GOING TO DO WITH THE ASHES.

THE FIRST BOYFRIEND SAID I AM GOING TO SKY DIVE AND SPREAD HIS ASHES IN THE SKY BECAUSE 

THATS WHAT HE LIKED. 

THE SECOND GUY SAID I AM GOING TO SPREAD MY BOYFRIENDS ASHES

IN THE SEA BECAUSE IT'S WHAT HE LIKED.

THE THIRD GUY SAID I'M GOING TO PUT MY BOYFRIENDS ASHES IN A BOWL OF CHILI SO HE CAN 

RIP THROUGH MY ASS ONE LAST TIME!!

Sent by ANTHONY

The Perverse Guide To Getting Hired

Chapter 1 - The Resume

     Your resume is a crucial document that summarises the
essence of your being to a potential employer.  You must grab
a personnel director's attention with your sheer, overpowering
wonderfulness, or your vitae will wind up lining the bottom of
her parakeet's cage.  Write a boring resume and you might as well
run down now and join the other unemployed grads behind the
appliance store, fighting for the choicest refrigerator carton to
live in.
     To grab an employer's jaded eye you must create the written
equivalent of a banshee wail!  Print your resume on hunter's
orange paper, so it nearly leaps out of the stack.  Experiment
with striking fonts, and use as many as possible.  Writing your
name in 2 inch high 3-D Western style letters at the top says
"Check ME out! I'm no shrinking violet!"  Sprinkle a bit of your
most sensual cologne on the sheet, and ladies, be sure to add a
good lipstick smooch mark at the bottom.  Don't forget your
picture, too!  Be sure and staple several of your best 8x10
glossies from Glamour Shots on top.
     Now that you've achieved that visceral "oomph", it's time to
polish the contents to bring out or even invent your positive
qualities.  Remember, a skilled wordsmith can transform any
qualification or attribute, no matter how trifling, into a
saleable skill.  Let's look at some examples of putting the best
"spin" on a job seeker's skills:

"I flipped burgers for three weeks at Lardee's."

     A mere burger flipper?  Why sell yourself so short?
Describe yourself as a "Grill Co-ordinator", or perhaps a
"Culinary Technician".

"I subbed in for my nephew's paper route one weekend."

     Ah!  So you were previously employed in "Communication
Services!"  Describe yourself as a "Journalism Representative."

"I spent the last five years sitting on a couch eating Cheetos
and watching Charlie's Angels reruns."

     You can transform the pathetic into the energetic by
referring to yourself as a "Consumer Broadcasting Specialist."
Let them know how much time you've wisely invested in "Popular
Drama Studies."

"I worked in telemarketing."

     Die you scumbag.

"I like to drink 3 or 4 bottles of Night Train wine and pass out
in a puddle of my own urine."

     I see!  An "Alternative Hygiene Researcher" who throws
himself into his work!

     Always remember to use active, "can-do" language in your
resume, and be sure to include as many of the following terms as
possible:

     1) Excellence (can't get enough of this one!)
     2) Goal-oriented
     3) Forward-thinking
     4) Like Working with People (as opposed to zoo animals)
     5) Striving (everyone likes a striver!)

It may be useful to define these as keyboard macros immediately.


Chapter 2 - The Interview

     So now you've got that big chance to shine in person.  Once
again, you've got to stand out from the crowd!  First, consider
your apparel carefully.  Gold lame harem pants will leave a
lasting impression, as will a nice fish or penis tie, available
in classier novelty stores.  Make these items staples of your
professional wardrobe.  Next, practice that handshake, and
consider adding a little thumb twist manoeuvre or a good high-
five.  And remember, no one likes shaking dry, chapped hands, so
make sure yours are damp when you leave the restroom.  Now jump
right in, and distinguish yourself with your first words.  Here's
some suggestions for opening lines:

"The voices told me I'm perfect for this job."
"I can make an impressive incendiary device from just your tie,
that pen, and a quart of anti-freeze."
"Maybe you can't tell, but I'm not wearing any underwear."
"Let's make this fast, I'm late for my medication."
"The foil wrapped around my head is to block out invisible rays."
"I was once abducted by a UFO, and the aliens let me pilot their
Starship."
"I brought my invisible friend, is that okay?"
"I have the gift of second sight, and if you step on Flight 109,
it will be your last!"

     Now that you've made a big impression, make sure you'll have
plenty of time to expound upon your finer qualities.  Consider
handcuffing yourself to the interviewer's desk, or perhaps smear
super-glue on your hand and grab them while shouting "Wonder twin
powers, activate!"
     Conclude the interview as notably as you began it.  A
gratuity is always welcome, so palm the interviewer a crisp new
dollar in the closing handshake while saying "Guess Mr.
Washington and I have this job wrapped up, huh? (wink, wink)"
And certainly don't forget the follow-up!  Unless a restraining
order has been obtained by the employer, call collect every hour
thereafter to remind them of your sincerity.

What do you do with a dog with no legs?

Take it for a drag.

A fellow getting a shave asked the barber if he had another 
razor. 

"Why?"  asked the barber, "Is there something wrong with this 
one?"

"I don't know." replied the customer. "But I would appreciate a 
chance to defend myself."

A girl sees three dogs in the park and kneels down to pet them. "What's 
your name?" she asks the first. To her surprise, the dog answers "My 
name's Huey and I'm having a great day going in and out of puddles." She 
goes up to the second dog and asks "What's your name?" The dog replies "My 
name's Duey and I'm having a great day going in and out of puddles." She 
turns to the third dog and says "I suppose you're going to tell me your 
names Luey and you're having a great day going in and out of puddles." The 
dog replies "No, I'm having a fucking miserable day and my name is 
Puddles."