How do you get 20 vice presidents in a mini-van?

Promote one and watch the other 19 crawl up his ass.

   
   A guy comes home from the bar drunk one night around 3 in the morning.
   His wife is sleeping and he is trying to sneak into bed. He's laying
   in bed for a few minutes and cuts a fart.
   His wife wakes up and asks, "What the hell was that?"
   He replies, "Touchdown, I am winning 7 nothing."
   She thinks to herself "I'm gonna fix him." Then she lets one loose.
   He yells at her, "What was that?"
   She replies "Touchdown, tie score."
   Now he thinks, "I'm gonna fix her." He's laying there for about 10
   minutes trying to work one up. He tries so hard he shits in bed.
   The wife asks, "Now what the hell was that?"
   He replied, "Half time, switch sides."

A little nine year old girl was in church with her mother when she started 
feeling ill. "Mommy," she said. "Can we leave now?" 
"No," her mother replied. 
"Well, I think I have to throw up!" 
"Then go out the front door and to the back of the church and throw up 
behind a bush." In about two minutes the little girl returned to her seat. 
"Did you throw up?" her mother asked. 
"Yes," the little girl replied. 
"Well, how could you have gone all the way to the back of the church and 
return so quickly?" 
"I didn't have to go out of the church, Mommy." the little girl replied. 
"They have a box next to the front door that says, 'For the sick'."

One day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at the local 
church. "Reverend," she said, "I have a problem--my husband keeps 
falling asleep during your sermons. It's very embarrassing. What should 
I do?" 
   "I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this hatpin with you. I 
will be able to tell when Mr. Jones is sleeping, and I will motion to 
you at specific times. When I motion, you give him a good poke in the 
leg." 
   In church the following Sunday, Jones dozed off. Noticing this, the 
preacher put his plan to work. "And who lay made the ultimate sacrifice 
for you?" he said, nodding to Mrs. Jones.
 "Jesus!" Jones cried as his wife jabbed him the leg with the hatpin. 
 "Yes, you are right, Mr. Jones," said the minister. 
 Soon, Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed.
"Who is your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning towards 
Mrs. Jones. 
 "God!" Jones cried out as he was stuck again with the hatpin. 
 "Right again," said the minister, smiling. 
  Before long, Jones again winked off. However, this time the minister 
did not notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few 
motions that Mrs. Jones mistook as signals to bayonet her husband with 
the hatpin again. 
The minister asked, "And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore him 
his last son?" 
Mrs. Jones poked her husband, who yelled, "You stick that goddamned 
thing in me one more time and I'll break it off and shove it up your ass!"

Three guys are in a plane, lost in fog, and they don't know
where they are. The first guy says "I'll find out" and puts
his arm out the plane, then brings it back in  and says
"We're just over Paris"
"How do you know" ask the others
"Well I've just felt the top of the Eiffel tower."
Later on the second guy tries and says "We just flew over London"
"How?" asks the others
"Well I've just felt the top of Big Ben"
Still later on the last guy tries it, puts his arm out the
plane, and says to the others "We have just flown over Glasgow."
"How do you know that?" comes the reply.
"Because some bastard has just stolen my watch"