Following some duty overseas, the officers at the Fort were 
planning a welcome home party and dance for the unit. Being 
an all male combat force, they decided to request coeds from 
some of the surrounding colleges to attend.

The Captain called Vassar and was assured by the Dean that 
arrangements could be made to send over a dozen of their most 
trustworthy students.

The Captain hesitated, then said, "Would it also be possible to 
send a dozen or so of the other kind ?"

There were these three morticians talking about their greatest feats. 
The first one says, "I had this soldier who stepped on a land mine. 
Took me three days to get him ready for an open casket funeral!!" 
The next guy says, "oh yeah? I had this construction worker fall 
15 stories, then he got run over by a steam roller, but I had him 
ready for an open casket funeral in two days!!!" The third guy sulks 
in the corner, "man. both y'all got me beat. I had this lady parachutist 
who landed on the empire state building. it took me four days just to get 
the grin off her face."

Q. What do you get when you cross a crooked
   politician with a dishonest lawyer? 

A. Chelsea 

A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for
their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on
that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked
the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in
front of you, what was going through your mind?"
The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to fuck
your brains out, and suck your tits dry."
Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you
thinking now?"
He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."

If a tree falls in the forest, and there's no
one there to hear it, does it make a sound?

Not if it lands on a bunch of pillows.