A blonde was plugging dollar after dollar into the
coke machine at a large Vegas casino. She kept
punching the buttons only to have happen what you'd
expect. Cans of soda popped out, one after the other,
and change too! 

After a while, she ran out of dollar bills so went
and got more. Back at it she went, blocking the way
to the other vending machines with the mounting pile
of soda. All kinds. It didn't seem to matter to the
young lady. 

People were starting to gather, seeing this beautiful
woman enthusiastically plugging money in like it was
fun. The people were gathering more though waiting their
turn at the machines. 

After watching a while, someone asked from the rear of
the group, 'Hey, how much soda does one blonde need?' 

'Hey back off, buddy,' she retorts, 'can't you see I'm
winning here?' 

John pulled over the car by the side of the road and 
showed Brian where he'd first had sex.
"It was right down there by that tree.  I remember the day 
plainly.  It was a warm summer day.  She and I were so much 
in love.  We walked down to the tree and made love for hours,"
"That sounds wonderful," said Brian.
"Yes.  It was ok until I looked up and noticed her mother was 
standing right there watching us."
"Oh my God!!!  What did her mother say when she saw you
making love to her daughter?"
"Baaaaaaa."

   Nuns First Hot Dog
   Two Scottish nuns have just arrived in the USA by boat and one says to
   the other, "I hear
   that the occupants of this country actually eat dogs." "Odd," her
   companion replies, "but if
   we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do."
   Nodding emphatically, the mother superior points to a hot dog vendor
   and they both walk
   toward him. "Two dogs, please," says one. The vendor is only too
   pleased to oblige and
   he wraps both hot dogs in foil. Excited, the nuns hurry over to a
   bench and begin to
   unwrap their 'dogs.' The mother superior is first to open hers.
   Staring at it for a moment,
   she leans over to the other nun and whispers cautiously, "What part
   did you get?"
   

   This guy walks into a quiet bar. He is carrying three ducks. One in
   each hand and one under his left arm. He places them on the bar. He
   has a few drinks and chats with the bartender.
   
   The bartender is experienced and has learned not to ask people about
   the animals that they bring into the bar, so he doesn't mention the
   ducks.
   
   They chat for about 30 minutes before the bloke with the ducks has to
   go to the rest room. The ducks are left on the Bar.
   
   The bartender is alone with the ducks. There is an awkward silence.
   The bartender decides to try to make some conversation.
   
   "What's your name?" He says to the first duck. "Huey" said the duck.
   
   "How's your day been?"
   
   "Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day."
   "Oh. That's nice," says the Bartender.
   
   Then he says to the second duck, "Hi. And what's your name?"
   
   "Dewey" came the answer.
   
   "So how's your day been?"
   
   "Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. If
   I had the chance another day I would do the same again."
   
   So the Bartender turns to the third duck and says, "So, you must be
   Louie"
   
   "No", growls the 3rd duck, "My name is Puddles. And don't ask about my
   fucking day!"
   

How Shit Happens



In the Beginning was The Plan
And then came the Assumptions
And the Assumptions were without form
And the Plan was completely without substance
And the darkness was upon the face of the Workers
And the Workers spoke amongst themselves, saying
"It is a crock of shit, and it stinketh."
And the Workers went unto their Supervisors and sayeth,
"It is a pail of dung and none may abide the odor thereof."
And the Supervisors went unto their Managers and sayeth unto them,
"It is a container of excrement and it is very strong,
     such that none may abide by it."
And the Managers went unto their Directors and sayeth,
"It is a vessel of fertilizer, and none may abide its strength."
And the Directors spoke among themselves, saying one to another,
"It contains that which aids plant growth, and it is very strong."
And the Directors went unto the Vice Presidents and sayeth unto them,
"It promotes growth and is very powerful."
And the Vice Presidents went unto the President and sayeth unto him,
"This new Plan will actively promote the growth and efficiency of this
     Company, and in these Areas in particular."
And the President looked upon The Plan,
And saw that it was good, and The Plan became Policy.
And this is how Shit Happens.