What is a man's idea of protected sex?

A padded headboard.

What's a blonde's mating call? 

     I think I'm drunk. 

Why don't lawyers play hide-and-seek?

Nobody will look for them.

A middle-aged man recieves a brazillian parrot for his
birthday. The only problem with this parrot is its attitude
due to the influence of its former owner, who is now a
deceased truck driver. The parrot loves to swear up and down
at everything it sees. One day the man comes home with a
gorgeous woman for a candle lit dinner. The first thing the
parrot says is " Hey bitch how much for a handjob". She
takes one look at our middle-aged friend, and runs out the
door. The next night, Our friend is visited by his mother.
The parrot opens up with,"I'll suck that crusty coin-slot
crack of yours for a senior citizen discount, if you lose
that over-the-shoulder-boulder-holder, and wiggle those
droopy dum dums for me. Our friend recieves a smack that
leaves a fire-engine-red print, followed by a future threat
from his father. Well Our frustrated friend can stands no
more. He grabs the little motherfucker and throws it into
the freezer. After about 15 minutes of swearing and kicking
from the bad bird, all is quiet. Another 5 min of silence
passes by. Our friend gets curious and opens the fridge.
The bird calmly perches on his finger. "Have you learned
your lesson?", he sternly said. All the parrot can say is
"I sure have. I just have one question. What the Fuck
happened to the chicken?

Sent by Rob

In a crowded city at a crowded bus stop, a beautiful young
woman was waiting for the bus. She was decked out in a tight
leather mini skirt with matching tight leather boots and
jacket. As the bus rolled up and it became her turn to get
on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow
her leg to come up to the height of the first step on the bus.
Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver
she reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little thinking
that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. Again
she tried to make the step onto the bus only to discover she
still couldn't! So, a little more embarrassed she once again
reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little more and for
a second time attempted the step and once again, much to her
chagrin she could not raise her leg because of the tight skirt.
So, with a coy little smile to the driver she again unzipped
the offending skirt to give a little more slack and again was
unable to make the step.
About this time the big Texan that was behind her in the line
picked her up easily from the waist and placed her lightly on
the step of the bus. 
Well, she went ballistic and turned on the would-be hero
screeching at him "How dare you touch my body!! I don't even
know who you are!" 

At this the Texan drawled "Well ma'am normally I would agree
with you but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda
figured that we was friends."