What's the difference between a lawyer and a
trampoline?

You should take your workboots off before
you jump on a trampoline.

Millennia Year Application Software System



  This memo is to announce the development of a new firm-wide software
  system. We are currently building a data center that will contain all
  firm data that is Year 2000 compliant. The program is referred to as
  the "Millennia Year Application Software System" (MYASS).
  
  Next Monday at 9:00 there will be a meeting in which I will show MYASS
  to everyone. We will continue to hold demonstrations throughout the
  month so that all employees will have an opportunity to get a good
  look at MYASS.  As for the status of the implementation of the
  program, I have not addressed the networking aspects so currently only
  one person at a time can use MYASS. This restriction will be removed
  after MYASS expands.
  
  Several people are using the program already and have come to depend
  on it. Just this morning I walked into a subordinate's office and was
  not surprised to find that he had his nose buried in MYASS. I've
  noticed that some of the less technical personnel are somewhat afraid
  of MYASS. Just last week, when asked to enter some information into
  the program, I had a secretary say to me "I'm a little nervous, I've
  never put anything in MYASS before." I volunteered to help her through
  her first time and when we were through she admitted that it was
  relatively painless and she was actually looking forward to doing it
  again. She went so far as to say that after using SAP and Oracle, she
  was ready to kiss MYASS.
  
  I know there are concerns over the virus that was found in MYASS upon
  initial installation, but I am pleased to say the virus has been
  eliminated and we were able to save MYASS.  In the future, however,
  protection will be required prior to entering MYASS. We planned this
  database to encompass all information associated with the business. So
  as you begin using the program, feel free to put anything you want
  into MYASS.  As MYASS grows larger, we envision a time when it will be
  commonplace to walk by an office and see a manager hand a paper to an
  employee and say "Here, stick this in MYASS".  This program has
  already demonstrated great benefit to the company during recent OSHA
  and EPA audits. After requesting certain historical data the agency
  representatives were amazed at how quickly we provided the
  information. When asked how the numbers could be retrieved so rapidly
  our Environmental Manager proudly stated "Simple, I just pulled them
  out of MYASS."

Two really old guys decided they would go out and try to play a round of 
golf together. They get on the first tee and the first old guy says to the 
second, "My eyesight isn't what it used to be. Can you watch my ball for 
me?".
The second guy says, "Sure! I see fine. Go ahead and hit."
So the first old man steps up to the tee and really hits it. He turns to 
his buddy and says, "Did you see it?".
"Sure!", says his buddy.
"Where did it go?", the first guy asks. 
The second old man thinks for a minute and says, "I can't remember." 

Stacey makes a new friend at school and invites her home for 
the first time. Stacey excuses herself to fetch her Mom and 
introduce her new friend. As her friend is standing in the living 
room next to the fireplace, she picks up the attractive vase on 
the mantle. 

When Stacey returns with her mother, her friend is staring 
curiously into the vase. "Oh, those are my father's ashes," 
Stacey informs her new friend. However, this startles her so 
that she drops the vase with a  -- ashes and broken 
vase scattering all around. 

After turning three shades of red she stammers out, "Oh, no... 
I'm, oh!... I, can't... didn't mean to.." 

"It's OK dear," the mother says. "The vase was just from Wal- 
Mart." 

The new friend catches her breath enough to say, "But... but 
your husband's ashes..." 

"Well," the mother says, "looks like he'll just have to get off 
his lazy butt and get the ashtray from the kitchen from now on!"

Whats blue and doesn't fit any more?

     - A dead epileptic.