A man was driving from New York to San Francisco.  He got as far as
Cleveland, when he realized he was getting terribly horny.  So he looked 
up a house of ill repute and took care of the problem.  Immediately, a 
severe guilt reaction set in, so he went to confession.  For penance, he 
was told to say 10,000 Hail Mary's.  So he went on driving and praying.
By the time he got through with the 10,000 Hail Mary's, he was approaching
San Francisco.  Suddenly he realized he was terribly horny.
So he looked up a house of ill repute, and had an orgy.  Again there was a
severe guilt reaction, so he went to confession.  It was an old Irish 
priest who said, "For penance say three Hail Mary's".  The man said, 
"What??  In Cleveland, I had to say 10,000 Hail Mary's for the same thing.  
Father replied quietly, "Sure now, and what would they know about fucking 
in Cleveland?".

I was walking down an alley last night, when I heard,
"Help! Help!" coming from behind a dumpster. Two thugs
were trying to steal an old lady's handbag, but she
putting up a Hell of a fight and wouldn't let go. 
I wondered if I should get involved, or keep walking
and pretend I didn't see anything... I finally decided
that I should help. 
It didn't take the three of us very long to get her handbag. 

What would you do if you had a condum with a hole
in it in one pocket, and a rattle snake in the other pocket? 

     I don't know either, but I do know that I wouldn't screw with either one of them. 

"Will the father be present during the birth?"
asked the obstetrician.
"Nah," replied the mother-to-be,
"He and my husband don't get along."

I used to not get on with my mother-in-law, but over the last few months 
I've developed quite an attachment for her.
It goes over her head and a strap comes down under her chin to keep her 
mouth shut!