A little girl was out with her Grandmother when they came across a
   couple of dogs mating on the sidewalk.
   "What are they doing, Grandma?" asked the little girl.
   The grandmother was embarrased, so she said, "The dog on top has hurt
   his paw, and the one underneath is carrying him to the doctor."
   They're just like people, aren't they Grandma?" said the little one.
   "How do you mean?" asked the Grandma.
   "Offer someone a helping hand," said the little girl, "and they fuck
   you everytime!"

A young lady walks into a doctors office. "Doctor I'm suffering from a 
terrible discharge" The Doctor lays her down lifts up her dress and has a 
good probe around and says "how does that feel?" Young lady, "Oooh doctor 
that feels lovely..... ...but the discharge is from my ear!!"

    A man was driving along the highway, and saw a rabbit
   hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the
   rabbit, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of the car and
   was hit. The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover,
   pulled over to the side of the road, and got out to see what had
   become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit was dead. The
   driver felt so awful, he began to cry. A woman driving down the
   highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over.
   She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong. "I feel
   terrible," he explained, "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed
   it." The woman told the man not to worry. She knew what to do. She
   went to her car trunk, and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to
   the limp, dead rabbit, and sprayed the contents of the can onto the
   rabbit. Miraculously the rabbit came to life, jumped up, waved its paw
   at the two humans and hopped down the road. 50 yards away the rabbit
   stopped, turned around, waved and hopped down the road, another 50
   yards, turned, waved and hopped another 50 yards. The man was
   astonished. He couldn't figure out what substance could be in the
   woman's spray can!! He ran over to the woman and asked, "What is in
   your spray can? What did you spray on that rabbit?" The woman turned
   the can around so that the man could read the label. It said: "Hair
   spray. Restores life to dead hair. Adds permanent wave."

A midget walks into the doctors and says, "Doc, I've got these fucking
itchy balls and I can't do anything to stop 'em itching".
The Doc says, "I can see the problem and I'll fix it for ya"
So the Doc pulls out a pair of scissors and tells the Midget to close his 
eyes. The midget hears snip, snip snip noises for about 5 minutes.
The doc finishes and says, "How's that?"
The midget says, "Fucking brilliant, what did you do?"
The Doc says, "I trimmed back your high boots"

A truck driver who had been delivering radioactive waste for the 
local reactor begins to feel sick after a few years on the job. He 
decided to seek compensation for his ailment. 
Upon his arrival at the workers' compensation department, he is 
interviewed by an assessor.

Assessor: I see you work with radio-active materials and wish 
to claim compensation. 
Trucker: Yeah, I feel really sick. 
Assessor: Alright then, Does your employer take measures to 
protect you from radiation poisoning? 
Trucker: Yeah, he gives me a lead suit to wear on the job. 
Assessor: And what about the cabin in which you drive? 
Trucker: Oh yeah. That's lead lined, all lead lined. 
Assessor: What about the waste itself? Where is that kept? 
Trucker: Oh, the stuff is held in a lead container, all lead. 
Assessor: Let me see if I get this straight. You wear a lead 
suit, sit in a lead-lined cabin and the radio-active waste is kept 
in a lead container. 
Trucker: Yeah, that’s right. All lead. 
Assessor: Then I can't see how you could claim against him for 
radiation poisoning. 
Trucker: I'm not. I claiming for lead poisoning.