Why do blondes drive BMWs?

     Because they can spell it. 

"I'm in love with my horse," the nervous man told his psychiatrist. 
"Nothing to worry about," the psychiatrist consoled. "Many people
are fond of animals.
As a matter of fact, my wife and I have a dog that we are very
attached to."
"But, doctor," continued the troubled patient, "I feel, ummm... 
*physically* attracted to my horse."
"Hmmm," the doctor asked, "Is it male or female?" 
"Female, of course!" the man replied.
"What do you think I am...GAY???" 

So there were two guys on a roof, pounding nails. One guy pounded a nail 
in, then picked up another. He was holding the nail upside down. He 
unexpectedly threw the nail away. He picked up another nail, right side up 
this time, and pounded this in. He eventually threw so many upside down 
nails away, that his friend came over. "Eh, what you doing? How come 
you're throwing away all those nails?" he asked. "Because they're upside 
down," the friend replied. The other guy looks at the friend, then, after 
some thought, says, "You Idiot, save them for the ceiling!"

This bloke picks up woman at the local pub. They go for a romantic
walk down the street. They walk hand in hand and as they stroll his
lustful desires rise to a fever pitch.
He is just about to put the  hard word on her when she says, "I hope you don't
mind but I'm busting to have a piss".
Slightly taken aback by this vulgarity he replies, "OK why
don't you go behind these bushes".
She nods in agreement and disappears behind the bushes.
As he waits he can hear the sound of nylon knickers rolling
down her voluptuous legs and imagines what is being exposed.
Unable to contain himself for another moment, he reaches through
a gap in the foliage, his hand touching her leg. He quickly brings his
hand further up her thigh until suddenly he finds himself gripping a long,
thick appendage hanging between her legs.
He shouts in horror "My God, don't tell me your really a bloke!".
"No" she replies", "I've changed my mind, I'm having a shit instead."

A customer walks into a restaurant and notices a large sign on the wall 
that says, "$500 if we fail to fill your order." 
When his waitress arrives, he orders elephant tail on rye. She calmly 
writes down his order and walks into the kitchen. Almost immediately he 
hears an explosion of voices. 
The restaurant owner comes storming out of the kitchen and up to the 
customer's table. He slaps down five $100 bills in front of the man. 
"You got me this time, buddy," he says, "but I want you to know this -- 
that's the first time in 10 years we've been out of rye bread."