What is the first symptom of AIDs?

A hard, deep, pounding sensation in your ass. 

What's the one thing you can do to a Jewish girl's asshole
to make her squeal with delight?

                      Give him a raise. 

Q: When does a person decide to become an accountant?
A: When he realises he doesn't have the charisma to succeed as an
             undertaker. 

Armando went to his neighbor and asked, "Hey Carlos, do you 
like a woman who has a beeg stomach steeking oll the way 
out?" 

"No," says Carlos. 
Armando asks, "Do you like a woman whose teets hang 
almost to her knees?" 

"No," says Carlos. 

"Well, Carlos, would you like a woman whose heeps are so 
mucho grande?" 

"Caramba! No, amigo!" Carlos replied. 

"Theen tell me why," asked Armando, "do you keep screwing 
my wife?"

   One night, at the lodge of a hunting club, two new members were being
   introduced to other
   members and shown around. The man leading them around said, "See that
   old man asleep
   in the chair by the fire- place? He is our oldest member and can tell
   you some hunting
   stories you'll never forget."
   They awakened the old man and asked him to tell them a hunting story.
   "Well," he began,
   "I remember back in '44', we went on a lion hunting expedition in
   Africa. We were on foot
   and hunted for three days without seeing a thing. On the fourth day, I
   was so tired I had to
   rest. I found a fallen tree, so I laid my gun down, propped my head on
   the tree, and fell
   asleep. I don't know how long I was asleep when I was awakened by a
   noise in the
   bushes. I was reaching for my gun when the biggest lion I ever seen
   jumped out of the
   bushes at me like this, 'ROOOAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!......' I
   tell you, I
   just shit my pants."
   The young men looked astonished and one of them said, "I don't blame
   you, I would have
   shit my pants too if a lion jumped out at me." The old man shook his
   head and said, "No,
   no, not then, just now when I said
   'ROOOAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!'"