Why does a cow wear a bell?
Because his horns are broke!

A couple have not been getting along for years, so the husband thinks,
"I'll buy my wife a cemetery plot for her birthday."
Well, you can imagine her disappointment.
The next year, her birthday rolls around again and this
time he doesn't get her anything.
She says, "Why didn't you get me a birthday present!?"
He replies, "You didn't use what I got you last year!"

"I bet you don't know what day this is", said the wife to
her husband as he made his way out the front door. 
 
The husband was perplexed, but was always a quick thinker:
"Of course I do, my dear. How could I forget!?" With that,
he turned and rushed to catch the bus for work.
 
At 10 AM, the doorbell rang and when the woman opened the
door, she was handed a box containing a dozen long stemmed
red roses.
 
At 1 PM, a foil wrapped, two pound box of her favorite
chocolates arrived. Later, a boutique delivered a designer
dress. The woman couldn't wait for her husband to come home.
 
The husband was smug when he returned from work, satisfied
that he had recovered what could have been a very bad
situation. 
 
His wife was indeed surprised: "First the flowers, then the
chocolates and then the dress!" she exclaimed, "I've never
had a more wonderful Groundhog Day in my life!"

"Mr. Chilton," the analyst said, "I think this will be your last 
visit."

"Does that mean I'm cured?" he asked.

"For all practical purposes, yes," she said. "I think we can 
safely say that your kleptomania is now under control. You 
haven't stolen anything in two years, and you seem to know 
where the kleptomania came from."

"Well, that's terrific, Doctor. Before I go, I'd like to tell you 
something. Although our relationship is strictly professional, it's 
been one of the most rewarding of my life. I wish I could do 
something to repay you for helping me."

"You've paid my fee," the doctor said. "That's the only 
responsibility you have."

"I know," Chilton said. "But isn't there some personal favor I 
could do for you?"

"Well," the doctor said, "I'll tell you what. If you ever suffer a 
relapse, my son could use a nice portable color television."

After she woke up, a woman told her husband, "I just dreamed
that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's day. What
do you think it means?"

"You'll know tonight." he said.

That evening, the man came home with a package and gave it to
his wife. Delighted, she opened it - to find a book entitled
"The meaning of dreams"