"My dad was always really protective of his tools...well, not THAT tool...
 O.K., so he was pretty protective of that one too, but I'm talking about
 the tools that you make stuff with...well, sure, I suppose he DID make
 _me_ with that particular one, but...OH NEVERMIND.  My dad always told me
 that if some alien came around trying to borrow my phillips screwdriver
 that I should just stab him/her/it/them with it."
                        -- Lt. Wilkes, my role model

There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are
having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe 
swelling. So what's the problem?

                 -Jay Leno

If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses.

Entropy isn't what it used to be.

A good discussion is like a miniskirt: 
Short enough to pertain interest and long enough to cover the subject.