Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to 
calm myself down. I'll go over to the person's house and ring the 
doorbell. When the person comes to the door, I'm gone, but you know what 
I've left on the porch? A jack-o-lantern with a knife stuck in the side 
of its head with a note that says "You." After that, I usually 
feel a lot better, and no harm done 


-- Douglas Adams, The Restaurant at the End of the Universe 

"I smoke ten to fifteen cigars a day.
At my age I have to hold on to something." 

George Burns.

Early to bed, early to rise, makes a man socially and sexually deprived. 

"Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms"

"Will administer ISO 9000 and year 2000 certification tests for food."
                        -- Simon Slavin