Footless Parrot

   A guy is having marital problems. He and the wife are not
   communicating at all and he's lonesome so he goes to a pet store
   thinking a pet might help. The store he happened to walk into
   specialized in parrots. As he wanders down the rows of parrots he
   notices one with no feet. Surprised he mutters "I wonder how he hangs
   onto the perch?" The parrot says "With my prick, you dummy." The guy
   is startled and says "You certainly talk well for a parrot."
   The parrot says "Of course, I'm a very well educated parrot.
   I can discuss politics, sports, religion, most any subject you wish."
   The guy says "Gee, you sound like just what I was looking for."
   The parrot says "There's not much of a market for maimed parrots.
   If you offer the proprietor $20 for me I'll bet he'll sell me."
   The guy buys the parrot and for three months things go great. When he
   comes home from work the parrot tells him Clinton said this, the A's
   won, the Giant's lost, the pope did so and so. One day the guy comes
   home from work and the parrot waves a wing at him and says "Come in
   and shut the door." The guy says "What's up?"
   The parrot says "I don't know how to tell you this, but the mailman
   came today. Your wife answered the door in her negligee and he kissed
   her right on the lips."
   The guy says "Oh, A momentary flight of passion."
   The parrot says "Then he fondled her breasts." The guy says "He
   did??!"
   The parrot says "Then he pulled her negligee down and started sucking
   on her breasts."
   The guy says "My God, what happened next???!!!"
   The parrot says "I don't know. I got a hard-on and fell off my perch."

"Darling," she whispered after they had finished making love, 
"Will you still make love like that to me after we're married ?"

He considered this for a moment, and then replied, "I think so. 
I've always been especially fond of married women."

It had taken him several months, but the executive vice president
had finally persuaded his new secretary to bend over the back of
his leather couch and allow him to have sex with her that way.

"And just where have you been until this hour?" demanded his
wife, when the wayward husband finally arrived home.

"Down at the office," he replied, "working like a dog." 

How do you make a gay baby cry?

Take the pacifier out of his ass.

New scientific theories

4th RunnerUp--  The earth may spin faster on its axis due to
deforestation. Just as a figure skater's rate of spin increases
when the arms are brought in close to the body, the cutting of tall
trees may cause our planet to spin dangerously fast.