The following statements were found on patient's charts
   during a recent review of medical records. These statements were
   written by various health care professionals including (we're afraid)
   a doctor or two at several major hospitals:
   "The lab test indicated abnormal lover function."
   "Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized."
   "The skin was moist and dry."
   "The patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch."
   "She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until
   1989 when she got a divorce."
   "The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane
   ran out of gas and crashed."
   "I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical
   therapy."
   "The patient lives at home with his mother, father, and pet turtle,
   who is presently enrolled in day care three times a week." "Bleeding
   started in the rectal area and continued all the way to Los Angeles."
   "Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation."
   "She is numb from her toes down."
   "Exam of genitalia was completely negative except for the right foot."
   "While in the emergency room, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.
   The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as
   stockbroker instead."
   "When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room."
   "Examination reveals a well-developed male lying in bed with his
   family in no distress."

A profoundly ugly girl went to the psychiatrist.
"My life is a mess, doctor," she began, "I am so
fucking hideous that no one will associate with
me, touch me, or even talk to me. Can you help?" 

"Why, certainly! Helping people feel much better
about themselves is my area of expertise. I can
start making you feel more confident about your
appearance right here and now." 

"Oh, I am so grateful! What should I do first?"
she asked. 

"First things first. Just walk over to the other
side of the room and lie face down on my couch." 

   There's a guy hitchiking along the highway, when along comes an
   18-wheeler. It pulls up, and comes to a grinding halt. The hitcher
   runs to the truck, reaches up, opens the door and jumps in. Inside the
   truck is the driver, and beside him is his pet monkey.
   
   "Great lookin' monkey, mate" said the hitcher.
   
   "Yeah, he's great company, and he looks after you as well. Take a look
   at this."
   
   Without further ado, the truckie winds up, and punches the monkey in
   the guts with all his might. The monkey dutifully bends down, unzips
   the truckie's fly, goes down and gets to work on the truckie at a
   vigorous pace. Once the captain of the Kenworth has unloaded his cargo
   all over the cabin, the monkey wipes him off, zips up his master's fly
   and sits back down in his seat in the cabin.
   
   "That's GREAT!!!" says the by now quite interested hitchiker. "Can I
   have a go??"
   
   The truckie looks across and replies, "Yeah sure, why not?"
   
   "There's only one thing though" says the hitcher.
   
   "What?"
   
   "There's no need to smack me in the guts so hard."
   

Hungry Snake 


Having arived at the edge of the river, the fisherman soon 
realized he had forgotten to bring any bait. Just then he
happened to see a little snake passing by who had caught a 
worm. The fisherman snatched up the snake and robbed him 
of his worm. Feeling sorry for the little snake with no 
lunch, he snatched him up again and poured a little beer
down his throat and went about his fishing. 


An hour or so later the fisherman felt a tug at his pantleg. 
Looking down, he saw the same snake with three more worms 
in his mouth... 

Did you hear about the woman who only had two chances to get pregnant?

    -She blew them both...