What's red and invisible? 

No tomatoes.

 A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard.  The little 
 boy finds an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says, "Grandpa,
 I  bet I can put that worm back in that hole."

 The grandfather replies, "I'll bet you five dollars you can't.  It's too
 wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole."

 The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hair
 spray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board.  Then
 he puts the worm back into the hole.

 The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hair spray, and 
 runs into the house. Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out and 
 hands the little boy another five dollars.

 The little boy says, "Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars."

 The grandfather replies, "I know. That's from your grandma."

+------------------------------------------------------------------------
 On their first night together, the newly weds decided to set up signals
 concerning their "urges".

 The lady said "If you want it, squeeze my BOOB once, if you don't want it,
 squeeze my BOOB twice."

 The gent said "OK, if you want it, pull my DONG once, if you don't want it,
 pull my DONG 48 times."

A redneck calles up the White House and tells the receptionist:
"I'd like to become the next President of the United States."
The receptionist: "What are you, an idiot?"
Redneck: "Why, is it required?"

How does a man know when his wife is losing interest?

When her favorite sexual position is "next door"

Jon left for a two day business trip to Chicago.  He was only a
few blocks away from his house when he realized he'd left his 
plane ticket on top of his dresser.  

He turned around and headed back to the house.  He quietly
entered the door, walked into the kitchen.  He saw his wife 
washing the breakfast dishes, wearing her skimpiest negligee.

She looked so good that he tiptoed up behind her, reached out, 
and squeezed her left tit.

"Leave only one quart of milk," she said.  "Jon won't be here for 
breakfast tomorrow."