There's this old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish
who kept confessing to adultery. One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said,
"If I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!" 

Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone
who had committed adultery would say they had "fallen."

This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the
priest died at a ripe old age. About a week after the new priest
arrived, he visited the mayor of the town and seemed very concerned.

The priest said, "You have to do something about the sidewalks in
town. When people come into the confessional, they keep talking about
having fallen." 

The mayor started to laugh, realizing that no one had told the new
priest about the code word.

Before the mayor could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at
the mayor and said, "I don't know what you're laughing about, your
wife fell three times this week."

A cattleman from West Texas died & went on to the Great 
Beyond. As he approached the great gate, he noticed that the 
terrain was bare with no greenery. He remarked to the gate 
keeper, "Howdy Saint Peter. Say, this looks just like Texas."

"The gatekeeper replied, "First of all, I'm not Saint Peter and 
second, you really don't know where you are at all, do you ?"

Rejection Letter Reject



Ever wonder what to do when those rejection letters start piling
up?  Well here's a suggestion:

- - - - - - - - - - - - - Cut Here - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

[Date Today]

Dear Mr. Kennelly:

Thank you for your letter of April 17.  After careful
consideration I regret to inform you that I am unable to accept
your refusal to offer me employment with your firm.  This year I
have been particularly fortunate in receiving an unusually large
number of rejection letters.  With such a varied and promising
field of candidates it is impossible for me to accept all
refusals.

Despite Acme Inc.'s outstanding qualifications and previous
experience in rejecting applicants, I find that your rejection
does not meet with my needs at this time.  Therefore, I will
initiate employment with your firm immediately following
graduation.  I look forward to seeing you then.

Best of luck in rejecting future candidates.

Sincerely,

[Your name here]

A customer sent an order to a distributor for a large amount of
goods totaling a great deal of money.

The distributor noticed that the previous bill hadn't been paid. The
collections manager left a voice-mail for them saying, "We can't
ship your new order until you pay for the last one."

The next day the collections manager received a collect phone call,
"Please cancel the order. We can't wait that long."

This woman has her bridge club every Thursday night and after 
a peaceful game or two with the ladies, she goes home to fix 
her husband dinner when he gets home from work. Well, one 
Thursday, she's playing a great game and she has an incredible 
hand when she notices the time. 

"Oh, no! I have to go fix my husband his dinner! He's going to 
be so angry if it's not ready on time." And she dashes out of her 
friend's house, her great hand forgotten on the table.

When she gets home, she realizes she has very little time, not 
enough time to go to the supermarket, and all she has in the 
cupboard is a wilted lettuce leaf, an egg, and a can of cat food. 
In a panic, she opens the can of cat food, stirs in the egg, and 
garnishes it with the lettuce leaf just as her husband is pulling 
up. 

She watches in horror as he sits down to his dinner, and then 
she realizes he is loving it! "Mmmm, darling, this is the best 
dinner you have made for me in forty years of marriage. You 
can make this for me any old day, mmmmm!" And that night 
they had sex for the first time in months and it was great!

Needless to say, every Thursday from then on, she made this 
dinner for her husband. She tells her bridge cronies about it and 
they are all horrified.

"You're going to kill him," they say, or "He's just yanking your 
chain," but she continued to make him his cat food dinner and 
then, afterwards, they would bonk like fiends.

Two months later, her husband died and all the bridge women 
the Thursday after the funeral attacked our new widow for being 
so callous. "You killed him! We told you that feeding him that 
cat food every week would do him in! How can you just sit 
there so calmly and play bridge knowing you murdered your 
husband?"

The wife stoically replied, "I didn't kill him. He fell off the mantel 
when he was licking his ass."