One day a teacher was teaching religion, when she asked the class
"What part of your body do you think goes up to heaven first?"
Two children rose their hand. One was little Johnny. Hesitant to
pick on him she chose little Mary.
"I think your heart goes first because, that's were your emotions
of love are."
"Very interesting." replied the teacher. Seeing no one else had
their hand raised but Johnny, she finally called on him.
"I think your feet go up first."
Confused but relieved the teacher said, "Why is that?"
Johnny replied, "Once when I walked in my parents room I saw my
dad on my mom, and she had her feet in the air saying "Oh God!"

The beautiful secretary of the president of a bank goes on a sight-seeing
tour with a very rich African king who was a very important
client. 
The client out of the blue asks her to marry him. Naturally, the secretary
is quite taken aback. However, she remembers what her boss told her,
...don't reject the guy outright. So, she tries to think of a way to
dissuade the businessman from wanting to marry her.
So, after a few minutes, the woman says to the man, "I will only marry you
under three conditions. First, I want my engagement ring to be a 75-carat
diamond ring with a matching 200-carat diamond tiara."
The African king pauses for awhile. Then, he nods his head and says, "No
problem!! I have. I have."
Realizing her first condition was too easy the woman says to the man, "I
want you to build me a 100-room mansion in New York. As a vacation home, I
want a chateau built in the middle of the best wine country in France."
The African king pauses for awhile. He whips out his cellular phone and
calls some brokers in New York and in France. He looks at the woman, nods
his head and says, "Okay, okay. I build. I build." 
Realizing that she only has one last condition, the secretary knows that
she'd better make this a good one. She takes her time to
think and finally she gets an idea. A sure-to-work condition. She squints
her eyes, looks at the man and says, rather coldly, "Since I like sex, I
want the man I marry to have a 14-inch penis."
The man seems a bit disturbed. He cups his face with his hands and rests
his elbows on the table, all the while muttering in African
dialect.
Finally, after what seemed like forever, the king shakes his head, looking
really sad, and says to the woman, "Okay, okay. I cut. I
cut."

Two attorneys went into a diner and ordered two drinks.  Then 
they produced sandwiches from their briefcases and started to 
eat.  The owner became quite concerned and marched over and 
told them, "You can't eat your own sandwiches in here!"

The attorneys looked at each other, shrugged their shoulders 
and then exchanged sandwiches.

A lawyer returns to his parked BMW to find the headlights
broken and considerable damage. There's no sign of the
offending vehicle but he's relieved to see that there's a
note stuck under the windshield wiper.
"Sorry. I just backed into your Beemer. The witnesses who saw
the accident are nodding and smiling at me because they think
I'm leaving my name, address and other particulars. But I'm not."

Michael Jackson and the doctor are walking out
of the delivery room after his wife gives birth
to their son. Michael says, "How long before we
can have sex?"
The doctor says, "At least wait until he's walking."