So my sister, a natural blond graduating from the University of 
North Carolina Law School, is job hunting. I suggested that 
since Microsoft is building up their legal team, she should send 
them a resume and become a southern blond Microsoft lawyer 

-- and be the butt of any joke on the internet.

Q: How do Redneck mothers know when their daughters are having their
period?

A: Their son's dicks taste funny!

   WOMEN SPEAK IN ESTROGEN AND MEN LISTEN IN TESTOSTERONE
   by Matt Groening
   RELATIONSHIPS:
   When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to
   her girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled "All Men Are
   Idiots".
   Then she will get on with her life. A man has a little more trouble
   letting go. Six months after the break-up, at 3:00 a.m. on a Saturday
   night, he will call and say, "I just wanted to let you know you ruined
   my life, and I'll never forgive you, and I hate you, and you're a
   total
   floozy. But I want you to know that there's always a chance for us."
   This is known as the "I Hate You / I Love You" drunken phone call, and
   99% of all men have made at least once. There are community colleges
   that offer courses to help men get over this need.
   SEX:
   Women prefer 30-40 minutes of foreplay. Men prefer 30-40 seconds of
   foreplay. Men consider driving back to her place as part of the
   foreplay.
   MATURITY:
   Women mature much faster than men. Most 17-year old females can
   function as adults. Most 17-year old males are still trading
   baseball cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class. This
   is why high school romances rarely work out.
   MAGAZINES:
   Men's magazines often feature pictures of naked women. Women's
   magazines also feature pictures of naked women. This is because
   the female body is a beautiful work of art, while the male body
   is lumpy and hairy and should not be seen by the light of day.
   Men are turned on at the sight of a naked woman's body. Most
   naked men elicit laughter from women.
   HANDWRITING:
   To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship. They just
   chicken-scratch. Women use scented, colored stationery and they
   dot their "i's" with circles and hearts. Women use ridiculously
   large loops in their "p's" and "g's". It is a royal pain to read a
   note from a woman. Even when she's dumping you, she'll put a
   smiley face at the end of the note!!!
   BATHROOMS:
   A man has six items in his bathroom-a toothbrush, shaving cream,
   razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The
   average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437.
   A man would not be able to identify most of these items.
   GROCERIES:
   A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes out to the
   store and buys these things. A man waits till the only items left
   in his fridge are half a lime and a beer. Then he goes grocery
   shopping. He buys everything that looks good. By the time a man
   reaches the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter than the
   Clampett's car on Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not
   stop him from going to the 10-items-or-less lane.
   CATS:
   Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't
   looking, men kick cats.
   LAUNDRY:
   Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every article
   of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about
   eight years ago, before he will do his laundry. When he is finally
   out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a
   U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to the laundromat. Men
   always expect to meet beautiful women at the laundromat. This is a
   myth perpetuated by re-runs of old episodes of "Love, American Style."
   THE TELEPHONE:
   Men see the telephone as a communication tool. They use the
   telephone to send short messages to other people. A woman can
   visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she
   will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours.
   RICHARD GERE:
   Women like Richard Gere because he is sexy in a dangerous way.
   Men hate Richard Gere because he reminds them of that slick guy
   who works at the health club and dates only married women.
   MADONNA:
   Same as above, but reversed. Same reason.
   LOCKER ROOMS:
   In the locker room men talk about three things: money, football,
   and women. They exaggerate about money, they don't know football
   nearly as well as they think they do, and they fabricate stories
   about women. Women talk about one thing in the locker-sex. And not
   in abstract terms, either. They are extremely graphic and
   technical, and they never lie.
   MOVIES:
   Every actress in the history of movies has had to do a nude scene.
   This is because every movie in the history of movies has been
   produced by a man. The only actor who has ever appeared nude in
   the movies is Richard Gere. This is another reason why men hate him.
   TIME:
   When a woman says she'll be ready to go out in five more minutes,
   she's using the same meaning of time as when a man says the football
   game just has five minutes left. Neither of them is counting time
   outs, commercials, or replays.
   FRIENDS:
   Women on a girl's night out talk the whole time. Men on a boy's
   night out say about twenty words all night, most of which are "Pass
   the Doritos or Got any more beer?"
   RESTROOMS:
   Men use restrooms for purely biological reasons. Women use
   restrooms as social lounges. Men in a restrooms will never speak
   a word to each other. Women who've never met will leave a restroom
   giggling together like old friends. And never in the history of the
   world has a man excused himself from a restaurant table by saying,
   "Hey, Tom, I was just about to take a leak. Do you want to join me?"

A car breaks down along the expressway one day, so the driver 
eases it over onto the shoulder of the highway. He jumps out of 
the car, opens the trunk, and pulls out two men in trench coats. 

The men stand behind the car, open up their coats and start 
exposing themselves to the oncoming traffic. This results in one
of the worst pile-ups in history.

When questioned by police why he put two deviates along the 
side of the road, the man replied, "I broke down and was just 
using my emergency flashers!"

This was originally posted in rec.sport.pro-wrestling

Date: 1999/03/04
Author: briang68g@gearthlink.net

I like monkeys. The pet store was selling them for five cents a piece. I
thought that odd since they were normally a couple thousand. I decided not
to look a gift horse in the mouth. I bought 200. I like monkeys.

I took my 200 monkeys home. I have a big car. I let one drive. His name 
was Sigmund. He was retarded. In fact, none of them were really bright. 
They kept  punching themselves in their genitals. I laughed. Then they 
punched my genitals.  I stopped laughing.

I herded them into my room. They didn't adapt very well to their new
environment. They would screech, hurl themselves off of the couch at high
speeds and slam into the wall. Although humorous at first, the spectacle
lost its novelty halfway into its third hour.

Two hours later I found out why all the monkeys were so inexpensive, they
all died. No apparent reason. They all just sorta' dropped dead. Kinda' 
like when you buy a goldfish and it dies five hours later. Damn cheap 
monkeys.  I didn't know what to do. There were 200 dead monkeys lying all 
over my room, on the bed, in the dresser, hanging from my bookcase. It 
looked like I had 200 throw rugs.

I tried to flush one down the toilet. It didn't work. It got stuck. Then I
had one dead, wet monkey and 199 dead, dry monkeys.

I tried pretending that they were just stuffed animals. That worked for a
while, that is until they began to decompose. It started to smell real 
bad.

I had to pee but there was a dead monkey in the toilet and I didn't want 
to call the plumber. I was embarrassed.

I tried to slow down the decomposition by freezing them. Unfortunately,
there was only enough room for two monkeys at a time so I had to change 
them every  30 seconds. I also had to eat all the food in the freezer so 
it didn't all  go bad.

I tried burning them. Little did I know my bed was flammable. I had to
extinguish the fire.

Then I had one dead, wet monkey in my toilet, two dead, frozen monkeys in 
my freezer, and 197 dead, charred monkeys in a pile on my bed. The odor 
wasn't improving.

I became agitated at my inability to dispose of my monkeys and to use the
bathroom. I severely beat one of my monkeys. I felt better.

I tried throwing them away but the garbage man said that the city was not
allowed to dispose of charred primates. I told him that I had a wet one. 
He couldn't take that one either. I didn't bother asking about the frozen 
ones.

I finally arrived at a solution. I gave them out as Christmas gifts. My
friends didn't know quite what to say. They pretended that they like them,
but I could tell they were lying. Ingrates. So I punched them in the
genitals.

I like monkeys.