Woman: Two *Achoo!* tickets, please. 
Clerk: Have you purchased tickets here before? 
Woman: *cough* No. 
Clerk: Then I need your address. 
Woman: Okay. It's 260..*AHEM* Sorry..Laryngitis... 
Clerk: You'll have to spell that one for me.

Q: What happened to the cheerleader when she did the splits?

A: 20 class rings fell out.

 DAYS
A bartender is sitting behind the bar on a typical day, when the door bursts
open and in come four exuberant blondes. They come up to th bar, order five
bottles of champagne and ten glasses, take their order over and sit down at a
large table.  The corks are popped, the glasses are filled and  they  begin
toasting and chanting, "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"  Soon, three more blondes
arrive, take up their drinks and the  chanting grows. "51 days, 51 days, 51
days!" Two more blondes show up and soon  their voices are joined in raising
the roof. "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"  Finally, the tenth blonde comes in with
a picture under her arm.  She walks over to the table, sets the picture in the
middle and the table  erupts. Up jumps the others, they begin dancing around
the table, exchanging  high-fives, all the while chanting "51 days, 51 days, 51
days!"
The bartender can't contain his curiosity any longer, so he walks over to the
table.  There in the center is a beautifully framed child's puzzle of the
Cookie Monster.  When the frenzy dies down a little bit, the  bartender asks
one of the blondes, "What's all the chanting and celebration about?


The blonde who brought in the picture pipes in, "Everyone thinks that blondes
are dumb and they make fun of us.  So, we decided to set the record  straight.
Ten of us got together, bought that puzzle and put it together. . .the side of
the box said 2-4 years, but we put it together in 51 days ! " 

You know why a dog licks his ass?

Because he knows in five minutes he'll be licking your face.

Why do they bury lawers 26 feet underground?

Because deep down, they are really nice guys.