What the best way to get a guy to stop smoking after sex? 

Fill his water bed with gasoline. 

During an Army war game, a commanding officer's
jeep got stuck in the mud. The C.O. saw some men
lounging around nearby and asked them to help
him get unstuck. 

"Sorry sir," said one of the loafers, "but we've
been classified dead and the umpire said we couldn't
contribute in any way." 

The C.O. turned to his driver and said, "Go drag a
couple of those dead bodies over here and throw them
under the wheels to give us some traction."

   A boy walks into the bathroom and catches his mom sitting on the bowl
   in her full glory.
   
   He runs out to tell his father. He asks his father "What's that big
   gash between mommy's legs?"
   
   The father replies, "That's where I accidentally hit her with an axe!"
   
   The boy replies "WOW, you got her right in the cunt!"
   

A young female teacher was giving an assignment to her Grade 6 class one day. It
was a large assignment so she started writing high up on the chalkboard. Suddenly
there was a giggle from one of the boys in the class.

She quickly turned and asked, "What's so funny Pat?"

"Well teacher, I just saw one of your garters."

"Get out of my classroom," she yells, "I don't want to see you for three days."

The teacher turns back to the chalkboard. Realizing she had forgotten to title the
assignment; she reaches to the very top of the chalkboard. Suddenly there is an even
louder giggle from another male student. She quickly turns and asks, "What's so funny
Billy?"

"Well miss, I just saw both of your garters."

Again she yells, "Get out of my classroom!" This time the punishment is more severe,
"I don't want to see you for three weeks."

Embarrassed and frustrated, she drops the eraser when she turns around again. So
she bends over to pick it up. This time there is an burst of laughter from
another male student. She quickly turns to see Little Johnny leaving the
classroom.

"Where do you think you are going?" she asks. 

"Well teacher, from what I just saw, my school days are over!"

Two blondes were facing each other with a lake between them. The first 
blonde wants to get to the other side so she yells to the otherblonde, 
"Hey! I want to get to the other side of the lake but I can't swim.
Please tell me how  you did this!"
The second blonde then  says, " But you ARE on the otherside!"