This blond teenage dragged her boyfriend to the court on paternity issue.
The lawyer asked, "How long are you having a sexual relationship?" "Years,
I tell you years" she replied. " Thats no answer, you have to specify how
long has he intimated with you." "I don't know exactly, its average, about
six inches"

Weight Control



Here's the guide to calorie-burning activities and the number of calories per
hour they consume.

Beating around the bush. . . . . . . . .75
Jumping to conclusions . . . . . . . . 100
Climbing the walls . . . . . . . . . . 150
Swallowing your pride. . . . . . . . . .50
Passing the buck . . . . . . . . . . . .25
Throwing your weight around
   (depending on your weight). . . .50-300
Dragging your heels. . . . . . . . . . 100
Pushing your luck. . . . . . . . . . . 250
Making mountains out of molehills. . . 500
Hitting the nail on the head . . . . . .50
Wading through paperwork . . . . . . . 300
Bending over backwards . . . . . . . .  75
Jumping on the bandwagon . . . . . . . 200
Balancing the books. . . . . . . . . . .25
Running around in circles. . . . . . . 350
Eating crow. . . . . . . . . . . . . . 225
Tooting your own horn. . . . . . . . . .25
Climbing the ladder of success . . . . 750
Pulling out the stops. . . . . . . . . .75
Adding fuel to the fire. . . . . . . . 160
Wrapping it up at the day's end. . . . .12

To which you may want to add your own favorite activities, including:

Opening a can of worms . . . . . . . . .50
Putting your foot in your mouth. . . . 300
Starting the ball rolling. . . . . . . .90
Going over the edge. . . . . . . . . . .25
Picking up the pieces after. . . . . . 350

A certain zoo had acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a
   few weeks the gorilla, a female, became very ornery, and difficult to
   handle. Upon examination, the zoo veterinarian determined the problem:
   she was in heat. What to do? There was no male of this species
   available.
   
   While reflecting on their problem, the zoo administrators noticed
   Mike, an employee responsible for cleaning the animals' cages. Now
   Mike, it was rumored, possessed ample ability to satisfy any female,
   and he wasn't very bright. So the zoo administrators thought they
   might have a solution. Perhaps they could entice Mike to satisfy the
   female gorilla. So he was approached with a proposition: would he be
   willing to screw the gorilla--for five hundred bucks? Mike replied
   that he might be interested, but would have to think the matter over.
   
   The following day, Mike announced that he would accept their offer,
   but only under three conditions:
   
   "First," he said, "I don't want to have to kiss her," and "Second, I
   want nothing to do with any offspring that may result from this
   union."
   
   The zoo administration quickly acceded to these conditions, but what
   could be the third?
   
   "Well," said Mike, "You've gotta give me another week to come up with
   the five hundred bucks."
   

Patient: Doctor, I have a serious memory problem. I can't remember 
anything!
Doctor: So, since when did you have this problem?
Patient: What problem?

The clerk showed the man the store's most expensive perfume.
"This is called 'Perhaps'," said the sales clerk. "It's $285 per
ounce."

"Listen," the man shot back, "for $285 an ounce, I don't want
something called 'Perhaps'; I want something called...


"You Can Bet Your Sweet Ass You'll Get Some !!"