While leading the Friday evening services, the Rabbi noticed a member of
the congregation, Bernie, walk in with a St. Bernard dog. The Rabbi,
horrified, asked the Cantor to continue the service and went to talk to
Bernie.
Rabbi: "What are doing here with a dog?"
Bernie: "The dog came here to pray."
"Oh, come on." says the Rabbi.
"YES!" says Bernie.
Rabbi: "I don't believe you. You are just fooling around; that's not a
proper thing to do in temple."
Bernie: "Its true!"..
"Ok", says the Rabbi, "then show me what the dog can do."
"OK" says Bernie nodding to the dog...The dog proceeds to open up the
barrel under his neck and removes a yarmulke, a tallis (puts them on his
head) and prayer book and actually starts saying prayers in Hebrew! The
Rabbi is so shocked he listens for a full 15 minutes.
When the Rabbi regains his composure, he is so impressed with the quality
of the praying he says to Bernie. "Do you think your dog would consider
going to Rabbinical school????"
Bernie, throwing up his hands in disgust says,
"YOU TALK TO HIM! He wants to be a doctor!"

The morning after their honeymoon night, Julie says to her
husband, "you know, You're really a lousy lover!"

Her husband replies, "How would you know after only 30 seconds?"

A photographer from a well known national magazine was assigned to
cover the fires at Yellowstone National Park.
When the photographer arrived, he realized that the smoke was so
thick that it would seriously impede or make it impossible for him
to photograph anything from ground level. He requested permission to
rent a plane and take photos from the air.
He arrived at the airport and saw a plane warming up near the gate.
He jumped in with his bag and shouted, "Let's go!'' The pilot swung
the little plane into the wind, and within minutes they were in the
air. 
The photographer said, "Fly over the park and make two or three low
passes so I can take some pictures."
"Why?" asked the pilot. "Because I am a photographer," he responded,
"and photographers take photographs."
The pilot was silent for a moment; finally he stammered, "You mean
you're not the flight instructor?"

A man comes home drunk in the wee hours of the morning
to find his wife angry and waiting for him at the door. 
"Out drinking again!?" she says.
"How much money did you spend this time?" 
"$100," answers the man. 
"$100!" she shouts.
"That's ridiculous, spending that much in one night!" 
"Easy for you to say," he replies. "You don't smoke,
you don't drink, and you have your own pussy."

A duck walks into a general store and asks the manager,"Got
any fresh fruit?"
"No."
"Got any fresh vegetables?"
"No. We have only canned and dry goods."

The next day, the duck returns.
"Got any fresh fruit?"
"No."
"Got any fresh vegetables?"
"No. I told you yesterday, we have only canned and dry 
goods. If you come back tomorrow and ask me the same 
question, I'll nail your flippers to the floor."

On the 3rd day, the duck walks in and asks,"Got any nails?"
"No."
"Got any fresh fruit?"