Albert arrives at a party and introduces himself to the first person he 
sees and asks, "What is your IQ?" to which the man answers, "241." "That 
is wonderful!," says Albert. "We will talk about the Grand Unification 
Theory and the mysteries of the Universe. We will have much to discuss!" 
Next Albert introduces himself to a woman and asks, "What is your IQ?" to 
which the lady answers, "144." "That is great!," responds Albert. "We can 
discuss politics and current affairs. We will have much to discuss!" 
Albert goes to another person and asks, "What is your IQ?" to which the 
man answers, "51." Albert responds, "How about them, Cowboys?"

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves and engage in 
animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores their 
conversation at first, but she listens in horror as one of the men says 
the following:
"Emma come first. Den I come. Two asses, dey come together. I come again. 
Two asses, dey come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I 
come once-a more."
"You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly, "in this country 
we don't talk about our sex lives in public!" 
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man, "Imma just tellun my friend howa to 
spella Mississippi."

Woman walks into her psychiatrists office and says:
"Hey doc, you know how we have been talking about freudian
slips? Well, I had the most amazing one last night. 
I was eating dinner with my mother, and I meant to say,
"please pass the salt," but instead I said,
"You god damn bitch, you ruined my life." 

How does Michael Jackson know its time for bed?

When the big hand is on the little hand.

Did you hear that Ellen Degeneres has a new line of sneakers "coming 
out"?

They're called "dykeees". They have a longer than normal tongue and you 
can get them off with one finger!