The patient shook his doctor's hand in gratitude and said:
"Since we are the best of friends, I would not want to insult
you by offering payment. But I would like for you to know that
I had mentioned you in my will."

"That is very kind of you," said the doctor emotionally, and
then added, "Can I see that prescription I just gave you? I'd
like to make a little change..." 

Q: What do you say to a girl with two black eyes?
A: Nothing, you already told the bitch twice.

Not that my wife's the jealous type or anything, but one day at work, I had taken this 
temp who was filling in for my secretary to lunch in gratitude for an outstanding job 
on a very difficult project. As luck would have it, there was my wife waiting in the 
office for my return. The temp, who was truly a ravishing beauty said, "Oh, Mrs. Moore, 
I'm so happy to meet you. I'm your husband's new secretary."

Within a single heart beat my wife quietly intoned, "OH ? Really ? Were you ???" 

Test Yourself: Are You a Neanderthal?



    As you know, Neanderthal man may have interbred with modern man.  His
descendants are with us even today, passing for full-blooded Homo Sapiens.
If you suspect a "touch of the old hand ax" in your ancestry, score yourself
on this test:

1.  Do your eyebrows meet in the middle?  If so, give yourself five points.
2.  Can you lock your knees in an upright position?  If not, take five
    points.
3.  Got a chin?  If the answer is no, add three points.
4.  How about a forehead?  If not, add another three points.
5.  Is it easy for you to balance a book on your head?  Then give yourself
    five points.
6.  Do you ever open Coke bottles with your teeth?  If you do, add ten
    points.
7.  Are you frequently more comfortable squatting on your heels than sitting
    in a chair?  Take five points.
8.  Is your head attached vertically to your neck?  If not, add one point for
    every five degrees of slope.
9.  Less than five feet tall?  Add one point for every inch under.
10. If your lower arm is shorter than your upper arm, add one point for every
    inch of difference.
11. Ditto for your lower and upper legs.
12. Pigeon-toed?  Five points.
13. Have you ever felt like bashing a postal clerk with a club?  You're
    normal--no points.
14. Is the space between your big toe and your other toes big enough to hold
    an apple?  Add five points.
15. Do you regularly eat apples in this way?  Add fifteen points.
16. Do people think you're wearing your hair in a bun when you're not?  Give
    yourself ten points.
17. Can you count your vertebrae while wearing two sweaters and an overcoat?
    Take five more points.
18. Is your nickname "Duke", "Butch", or "Animal"?  Three points.

Scoring
  0-20 points: You are a virtually pure Homo sapiens.  Feel free to build
               bridges, compose symphonies, and overrun the world.
 20-40 points: A slight Neanderthal strain means that you will occasionally
               have spells of primitive behavior, crawling around on all
               fours and whooping wildly.  If you live in California, no one
               will notice.
 40-60 points: You can still function quite well in the modern world, but
               avoid eating in fancy restaurants lest your table manners give
               you away.
 60-80 points: Your Pleistocene heritage is predominant.  You should consider
               a career in pro football.
80-100 points: Unfortunately, your genetic makeup is Grunt City; there is no
               place for you in human society.  Try running for public office
               instead.

Q: What happens when a Jew with an erection walks into a wall?

A: He breaks his nose.