A man walks into a doctor's office. He has a cucumber up his 
nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear.

"What's the matter with me?" he asks the doctor.

The doctor replies, "You're not eating properly."

Q: What is grosser than gross?
   A: Having a dream about chocolate pudding and then waking up with a 
spoon in your butt.

   This man was sitting quietly reading his paper one morning, peacefully
   enjoying himself,
   when his wife sneaks up behind him and wacks him on the back of his
   head with a huge
   frying pan.
   Man: "What was that for?"
   Wife: "What was that piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name
   Marylou written on
   it?"
   Man: "Oh honey, remember two weeks ago when I went to the horse races?
   Marylou was
   the name of one of the horses I bet on."
   The wife looked all satisfied and goes off to work around the house.
   Three days later he is
   once again sitting in his chair reading and she repeats the frying pan
   swatting.
   Man: "What the hell was that for this time?"
   Wife: "Your horse called."
   

What's green and has wheels?



A Frog

I lied about the wheels

At a posh Las Vegas casino, a blackjack dealer and a player with a 13 
count in his hand are arguing about whether or not it is appropriate to 
tip the dealer. The player says, "When I get bad cards, it's not the 
dealer's fault. Accordingly, when I get good cards, the dealer obviously 
has nothing to do with that either, so why should I tip him?" 
The dealer replies, "When you eat at a restaurant do you tip the waiter?" 
"Yes," the gambler concedes. 
"Well then, he serves you food; whether it's good or bad isn't up to him. 
By the same token, I'm serving you cards, so you should tip me." 
"OK," says the gambler, "but the waiter gives me what I ask for.
I'll take an 8."