Last winter I was laid up at home with the flu. My fiancee' called and 
volunteered to come over and fix dinner and play nursemaid to me. I 
declined, not wanting to pass on the flu to her. "Okay honey", she told 
me, "Will wait till after we get married. Then we can spend the rest ofour 
lives making each other sick!"

SIGN AT WHITEHOUSE:

        "In case of impeachment, do not panic.  Please select target
        from list of unpopular countries."

Some years back my live-in girlfriend (and now wife) came 
home while I was napping on the living room couch.  I was still 
half asleep when she leaned over me to try and get a kiss.  I 
wanted to say "don't get your hopes up" but then thought 
maybe "don't jump the gun" would be better.  In my half-awake 
state it came out "Don't get your guns up."