Two friends, an Italian boy and a Jewish boy, come of age at the
same time. The Italian boy's father presents him with a new pistol.
On the other side of town, at his bar Mitzvah, the Jewish boy
receives a beautiful gold watch. The next day at school, the two boys
are showing each other what they got. They each liked what the
other one got, so, they traded.
That night, when the Italian boy is at home, his father sees him
looking at the watch. "Where did you getta thatta watch?" asks the
man. The boy explains that he and Sammy had traded. The father
blows his top. "Whatta you? Stupidda boy? Whatsa matta you!"
"Somma day, you maybe gonna getta married. Then maybe somma
day you gonna comma home and finda you wife inna bed with
another man. Whatta you gonna do then? Looka atta you watch and
say, `How longa you gonna be?'"

   An escaped convict broke into a house and tied up a young couple who
   had been sleeping in the bedroom.
   
   As soon as he had a chance, the husband turned to his voluptuous young
   wife, bound up on the bed in a skimpy nightgown, and whispered,
   "Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years. Just cooperate with
   anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along
   with it and pretend you like it. Our lives depend on it."
   
   "Dear," the wife hissed, spitting out her gag, "I'm so relieved you
   feel that way, because he just told me he thinks you have a really
   nice, tight-looking ass!!!!!!!"
   

Good News, Bad News, Worse News VIII
 
  Good: 
        You came home for a quickie
   Bad: 
        The postman had the same idea
 Worse: 
        You have to wait

I got home from work last night and said to my wife, "You are a one"
She said "What do you mean, I am a one?"
I said, "If Bo Derek's a ten, you're a one". 

Berkowitz is having a drink at his hotel when he spots a beautiful young 
woman at the other end of the bar. "Bartender," he says, "give that lady 
whatever she likes, and put it on my tab."
When the drink is delivered, the woman gives Berkowitz a warm smile. A
moment later he's at her side. "That was very kind of you," she says. 
"Won't you sit down?"
After a few minutes of small talk, she says, "Let me be honest with you. 
You're a very nice man, but I don't think you realize that I'm a
professional. I'd be delighted to go upstairs with you for a hundred
dollars. If that's not what you had in mind, I certainly understand, and
I'll say good-bye now, no hard feelings."
"I'm surprised," says Berkowitz. "But you're a beautiful lady, and I like 
you, too. I've never done something like this before, but sure, let's go 
upstairs."
When they get to Berkowitz's room, he says, "I was wondering. There's 
something about you that makes me think you might be Jewish."
"Well, I am," she replies a little defensively. "Why do you ask?"
"Well, I'm Jewish, too," says Berkowitz. "And since we're both Jewish,
I was hoping you would give me a discount."
"Dammit," she replies, "I was afraid this would happen. Okay, twenty
percent off. But I want you to know, at these prices I'm not making any
profit!"