APPLICATION FOR EMPLOYMENT
     
NAME:  Greg Bulmash
     
DESIRED POSITION:  Reclining. Ha ha. But seriously, whatever's 
available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying 
here in the first place.
     
DESIRED SALARY:  $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael 
Ovitz style severance package.  If that's not possible, make an offer 
and we can haggle.
     
EDUCATION:  Yes.
     
LAST POSITION HELD:  Target for middle-management hostility.
     
SALARY:  Less than I'm worth.
     
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT:  My incredible collection of stolen pens and 
post-it notes.
     
REASON FOR LEAVING:  It sucked.
    
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK:  Any.
     
PREFERRED HOURS:  1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
     
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?:  Yes, but they're better suited to a 
more intimate environment.
    
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?:  If I had one, would I be here?
    
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?:  Of what?
     
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?:  I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"
     
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?:  I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearinghouse
Sweepstakes.
     
DO YOU SMOKE?:  Only when set on fire.
     
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?:  Living in Bimini with 
a fabulously wealthy supermodel who thinks I'm the greatest thing 
since sliced bread.  Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.
     
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR 
KNOWLEDGE?:  No, but I dare you to prove otherwise.
     
SIGN HERE:  Scorpio with Libra rising.


Sent by Alex

What's the definition of a virgin?

an ugly third grader

The man walked past the armored car and hears people talking inside. He 
stepped closer to hear what they were saying: "I see you, and I'll raise 
you another sixty thousand."

President Bill Clinton called Chretien with an emergency: Our largest 
condom factory has exploded!" the American President cried, "My people's 
favourite form of birth control!  This is a true disaster!"
"Bill, da Canadian pipple would be 'appy to do anyt'ing wit'in der power 
to 'elp you," replied the Prime Minister.
"I do need your help," said Clinton.  "Could you possibly send 1,000,000 
condoms ASAP to tide us over?"
"Certainment! I get right on it!" said Chretien.
"Oh, and one more small favour, please?" said Clinton.
"Oui?"
"Could the condoms be red, white & blue in colour, at least 10" long and 
4"  in diameter?" said Clinton.
"No problem," replied the Prime Minister and, with that, Chretien hung up 
and called the President of Trojan Condoms.
"I need a favour, you got to make 1,000,000 condoms right away and send 
'dem to Hamerica."
"Consider it done," said the President of Trojan.
"Great!  Now listen, dey hab to be bleu, blanc et rouge in colour; at 
least 10" long and 4" in  diameter."
"Easily done.  Anything else?"
"Yah," said the Prime Minister, "an' print 'MADE IN CANADA, SIZE MEDIUM'
on each one."

Back in the 1960's white activists often got their hair styled in
an afro -- a large bush-style hairdoo -- to show support for civil
rights.
One such fellow did so, and arrived home smiling and announced
that he'd also teased all his pubic hair into the same bushy style.
His wife, who had had it with her spouse's endless posturing, 
sneered, "Great... just great... now during foreplay I'll have
to look for a needle in a haystack."