Hillary Clinton, Chelsea Clinton, and Bill Clinton are sitting in a
helicopter and Bill starts to think. He sits there for about 15 minutes
and finally Hillary asks why he is looking so sad.
He says, "I just was wondering what I could do for the poor countries."
"Well " says Chelsea, "you could throw $100,000 out the window of the
helicopter. I'm sure that the poor will get some of it."
He agrees that it's a good idea and he does.
About 5 minutes later he starts thinking again.
Hillary asks "Why do you still look so sad? You just threw $100,000 out
the window of the helicopter. That helped a lot of poor people."
He says "I still feel like I didn't do enough."
She says "Well, Bill, why don't you throw another $100,000 out the
window? That should make a lot of people happy."
Again he says it's a good idea and he does.
A few moments later and again he looks unhappy and he says "I still
don't think I've done enough."
This time the helicopter pilot pipes up and says "Why don't you throw
yourself out the goddamn window...that will make everyone in America happy."

A horny young man went to a brothel... The lady at the counter asked him 
what his choice would be. The man wanted to know what was available. 
Madam, "On the first floor, we have the ex-models... they are all slinky 
and sexy... On the second floor, we have our ex-actresses...they are all 
buxom and beautiful... On the third floor, we have our ex-teachers.... 
they..."
Man, "Say no more! Lead me to the third floor."
Madam, "Are you sure... I'm surprised that you would prefer ex-teachers to 
ex-models and ex-actresses."
Man, "It's obvious, ma'am, teachers always make you do a thing over and 
over again, until you're perfect at it."

The Barber Shop

   This guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks, "How long before
   I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says,
   "About 2 hours." The guy leaves.
   A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks,
   "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around at shop
   full of customers and says, "About 2 hours." The guy leaves.
   A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How
   long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and
   says, "About an hour and a half." The guy leaves.
   The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says, "Hey, Bill,
   follow that guy and see where he goes." In a little while, Bill comes
   back into the shop laughing hysterically.
   The barber asks, "Bill, where did he go when he left here?"
   Bill looked up and said, "To your house."

   Miracle Bra Alternative
   A husband, tired of his wife asking him how she looks, buys her a full
   length mirror. This
   does little to help, as now she just stands in front of the mirror,
   looking at herself, asking
   him how she looks.
   One day, fresh out of the shower, she is yet again in front of the
   mirror, now complaining
   that her breasts are too small.
   Uncharacteristically, the husband comes up with a suggestion. "If you
   want your breasts to
   grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between
   your breasts for a few
   seconds."
   Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper, and
   stands in front of the
   mirror, rubbing it between her breasts.
   "How long will this take?" she asks.
   "They'll grow gradually larger over a period of some years," he
   replies.
   The wife stops. "Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper
   between my breasts
   everyday will make my breasts grow?" she asks.
   The husband shrugs. "Why not, it worked for your ass, didn't it?"
   

One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God, "Lord, I 
have a problem!" 

"What's the problem, Eve?" 

"Lord, I know you've created me and have provided this beautiful 
garden and all of these wonderful animals, and that hilarious 
comedy snake, but I'm just not happy." 

"Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above. 

"Lord, I am lonely. And I'm sick to death of apples." 

"Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man 
for you." 

"What's a 'man', Lord?" 

"This man will be a flawed creature, with aggressive tendencies, 
an enormous ego and an inability to empathize or listen to you 
properly. All in all, he'll give you a hard time. But, he'll be bigger 
and faster and more muscular than you. He'll be really good at 
fighting and kicking a ball about and hunting fleet-footed 
ruminants, and not altogether bad in the sack." 

"Sounds great," says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow. 

"Yeah, well. He's better than a poke in the eye with a burnt 
stick. But, you can have him on one condition." 

"What's that, Lord?" 

"You'll have to let him believe that I made him first."