Cronin goes to a barber shop to get his hair cut. The barber cuts his 
hair, and after he gets done, as Cronin gets up and is taking out his 
money, the barber goes over and takes a leak in the corner of the barber 
shop. The barber finishes and comes back.
As Cronin hands him a twenty-dollar bill, he says, "Listen, it's...it's 
none of my business, but...why would you take a piss in the corner of your 
barber shop?"
The barber says, "Hey, my lease is up in two weeks...do I care?"
The barber goes over to the cash register, rings up the haircut, and comes 
back with Cronin's change. When he comes back, Cronin's standing there 
taking a shit on the floor.
The barber says, "What are you doing?"
Cronin says, "Well, fuck, I'm leaving now." 

Why do bagpipe players walk while they play?

     To get away from the noise.

A very religious man lived right next door to an atheist. While 
the religious one prayed day in, day out, and was constantly on 
his knees in communion with his Lord, the atheist never even 
looked twice at a church.

However, the atheist's life was good, he had a well-paying job 
and a beautiful wife, and his children were healthy and good-
natured, whereas the pious man's job was strenuous and his 
wages were low, his wife was getting fatter every day and his 
kids wouldn't give him the time of the day.

So one day, deep in prayer as usual, he raised his eyes 
towards heaven and asked:

"Oh God, I honour you every day, I ask your advice for every 
problem and confess to you my every sin. Yet my neighbour, 
who doesn't even believe in you and certainly never prays, 
seems blessed with every happiness, while I go poor and
suffer many an indignity. Why is this?"

And a great voice was heard from above:

"BECAUSE HE DOESN'T BOTHER ME ALL THE TIME!"

Storming into his lawyer's office, a Texas oil magnate 
demanded that divorce proceedings begin at once against his 
young bride.

"What's the problem?"

"I want to hit that adulterin' bitch for breach of contract," 
snapped the oil man.

"I don't know if that will fly," said the lawyer.  "I mean your wife 
isn't a piece of property; you don't own her!"

"Damn right," the tycoon rejoined, "but I sure as hell expect 
exclusive drillin' rights!

   A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a
   mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the chicken to go and get the
   farmer to help pull him out to safety. The chicken runs to the farm
   but the farmer can't be found. So he drives the farmer's Mercedes back
   to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper. He then throws
   the other end of the rope to his friend, the horse, and drives the car
   forward saving him from sinking!
   
   A few days later, the chicken and horse are playing in the meadow
   again and the chicken falls into the mud hole. The chicken yells to
   the horse to go and get some help from the farmer. The horse says, "I
   think I can stand over the hole!" So he stretches over the width of
   the hole and says, "Grab for my 'thingy' and pull yourself up." And
   the chicken did and pulled himself to safety.
   
   The moral of the story: If you are hung like a horse, you don't need a
   Mercedes to pick up a chick.