Why did God create man first? 

     So he wouldn't have to be told how to do it.

What do you get when you cross poison ivy with a 4-leaf clover?

A rash of good luck.

Little Johnny's dad is sitting on the side of the bed rolling on a
condom about to give his wife some. 
Little Johnny sticks his head in the door, sees his dad and says,
"Whatcha doin' Daddy?" 
Johnny's dad stoops over to cover up his dick and starts looking at the
floor. "Oh, I'm just looking for this big rat I saw." he says. 
Little Johnny asks, "Whatcha gonna do, fuck it?" 

A man comes home from work and finds his wife admiring her breasts in the
mirror. He asks, "What are you doing?"
She replies, "I went to the doctor today, and he told me I have the breasts
of a 25 year old."
The husband retorts, "Well, what did he say about your 50 year old ass?"
She replies, "Frankly dear, your name never came up."

There was a drunk man walking down the street turning
his car keys back and forth. 
A policeman came up to him and asked, "Sir, what are you doing?" 
The drunk replied, "I am looking for my car, the last time I saw
it, it was on the end of these keys." 
The police officer said, "Sir, do you know your zipper is down?" 
The drunk replied, "Shit, I lost my wife, too!"