Q: Did you hear about the Mexico City earthquake?
A: It did $100 million worth of improvements.

    A man is walking along one day and he comes upon a ladder.
   Looking up, he sees that the ladder disappears into the clouds.
   Curious, he begins to climb. Before long, he is *in* the clouds. He
   looks around and sees the most horribly ugly woman he has ever seen in
   his life.
   Obese, snaggle-toothed, matted hair..... She looks at him, beckons,
   and says, "Have sex with me, or climb the ladder to success."
   Well, having no intention of doing *anything* with this woman, the man
   climbs higher up the ladder. A bit further on, he comes upon a woman
   slightly less ugly than the woman before. Not attractive, by any
   means, but not repugnant. "Have sex with me, or climb the ladder to
   success, "she says.
   Again, the man elects to continue his climb.
   Before long, he comes upon another woman. This one is actually
   attractive. Not a knock-out, but very pleasing. "Have sex with me, or
   climb the ladder to success."
   Well, he figures the women keep getting better and better looking as
   he gets higher and higher. So he decides to continue climbing.
   A bit farther up is the most gorgeous woman he's ever seen in his
   life! Miss America beautiful. In a sultry voice she says, "Have sex
   with me, or climb the ladder to success." Well, needless to say he is
   *very* tempted.
   But he just can't imagine what could top this woman, so he decides to
   climb higher.
   On the next cloud up is a horrid 500 lb man. You can see the lice in
   his hair, he stinks, his clothes are ratty..... "Who are you?" our
   climber asks in horror. Grinning a toothless grin, the man looks at
   him and says, "Hi. I'm Cess.

The Hotel Odeon in Paris is offering tourists a 'Diana Tour' - a 
personal reenactment of Princess Diana's last night alive.  For 
$50 extra you can enjoy the "Land Mind Obstacle Course".

Father:    Did Paul bring you home last night?
Daughter:  Yes, it was late. Daddy.   Did the noise disturb you?
Father:    No, My Dear, it wasn't the noise.  It was the silence.

Sam has been in the computer business for 25 years and is finally sick of 
the stress. He quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alabama to be as 
far away from humanity as possible. 

Sam sees the mailman once a week and gets groceries once a month. 
Otherwise, it's total peace and quiet. 

After 6 months or so of almost total isolation, he's finishing dinner one 
day when someone knocks on his door. He opens it and there is a big, 
bearded man standing there. "Name's Enoch... Your neighbor from four miles 
over the ridge... Having a party Saturday... Thought you'd like to come." 

"Great," says Sam, "after 6 months of this I'm ready to meet some local 
folks. Thank you." 

As Enoch is leaving he stops, "Gotta warn you there's gonna be some 
drinking." "Not a problem... After 25 years in the computer business, I 
can drink with the best of 'em." 

Again, as he starts to leave, Enoch stops. "More 'n' likely gonna be some 
fightin' too." Damn, Sam thinks... Tough crowd. "Well, I get along with 
people. I'll be there. Thanks again." 

Once again Enoch turns from the door. "I've seen some wild sex at these 
parties, too." "Now that's not a problem," says Sam, "Remember I've been 
alone for 6 months! I'll definitely be there... By the way, what should I 
wear?" 

Enoch stops in the door again and says, "Whatever you want, just gonna be 
the two of us."